Ell Jokes - page 262

Bored Old Lady

These four ladies were playing cards one Monday, and the 91-year-old lady said, “I am getting bored. I think I will get a job.” Well, the other three ladies started laughing and said,”Where do you think you could find a job?” She replied, “I don’t know, but I am going to try.” A week went by, and they were playing cards again. The little 91-year-old lady said, “Well, I got a job.” The others again started laughing and asked, “Where…

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frog noise

A brother and sister were sitting at home with nothing to do. The brother went up to his grandpa and said, “Please grandpa, make a frog noise.” “No, I will not make a frog noise!” “Please grandpa please make a frog noise!” “No! I will not make a frog noise.” The brother goes back to his sister and says, go tell grandpa to make a frog noise. So the little girl goes up to her grandpa and says, “Please grandpa…

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Reverse Psychology

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I WON’T sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and…

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Bubba Claus

As you know, I have been delivering presents to good boys and girls for several centuries, but after bypass surgery last Spring, I feel that I can no longer visit every home on earth in the early hours of Christmas morning. Accordingly, I have asked a distant cousin on my father’s side if he would assume some of my responsibilities by visiting the homes in the southern USA, as he is from the deep South himself…actually the South Pole. His…

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The Genie & the Neighbor

There was this guy who found a lamp… yeah you know, he rubs it, a genie comes out, tells him he has three wishes….but you see, this genie said that whatever he wished for, his worst enemy would get twice that. (If he wished for a million dollars, his enemy would get two million) Well, the man’s enemy was his neighbor, Bill. So when the guy wished for a hundred beautiful women, Bill, of course, got two hundred women, even…

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The Unkindest Cut

Two babies were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, “What are you in here for?” The second kid said,” I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid said, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a piece…

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bad mother fucker from down the street.

One day this lady bought her son a radio for 500 dollars. The lady told her son not to take it outside because somebody might take it. He said, “No one’s going to take it.” His mom said, “If they do, tell them you’re the bad mother fucker from down the street, and you’ll kick their ass from street to street.” So he was walking in Chicago and some gang bangers were in the park. They said: “Hey boy, let…

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The Bilingual Attorney

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”…

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Driving Test

A blonde goes to take her driving test…she has studied very hard for this test. When she comes home from taking the test, her friend asked her how she did. The blonde answered, “Well, the officer said I did very well, but I still don’t understand why he gave me an “F” on gender…”

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Amazon Jungle Percussion

A scientist is deep in the amazon rainforest. When he walks through a native village he suddenly hears drums playing from beyond. The natives panic and run away. The scientist stops one of them and asks what’s going on. “Is bad” the man says, “Is very bad when drums stop”. And the man runs away. The scientist walks on through the (now abandoned) village when suddenly the drums stop. Quickly he jumps into one of the houses. In the house…

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