Ell Jokes - page 240

Anything For Love

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman…

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Bad News from the Doctor

A young couple decided to tie the knot, so they went to the doctor for physical exams. Afterward the doctor called the young man into his office and told him he had some good news and some bad news. “The good news,” he explained, “is that your fianc?e has gonorrhea.” The guy paled. “If that’s the good news, then what the hell is the bad news!?” “Well,” the doctor elaborated, “The bad news is that she didn’t get it from…

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Clinton And The Pope

Former President Bill Clinton and Pope John Paul II both die on the same day, and by some error, the Pope gets sent to hell, while Bill Clinton goes to heaven. Eventually, it’s been learned that there’s been a mistake. So Clinton has to get on the down escalator going from heaven to hell, while the Pope goes on the up escalator from hell to heaven. (Of course it’s an escalator.) Clinton sees the Pope and says, “Your Excellency, how…

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Hillary’s bathroom visit

On one of the rare occasions that the Clintons were sleeping in the same bed, Hillary awoke at 2 a.m. and had to go to the bathroom. She shook Bill vigorously until he awoke from his deep slumber, mumbling, “What. . .what. . .what?” “I have to go to the bathroom,” Hillary says. “Well, why in the hell did you wake me up to tell me that?” “I want you to save my place!”

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Honeymoon Gambling

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. The bell boy, while taking their luggage to the suite, thinks to himself, “At their ages, they are booking a suite. What a waste!” After leaving them in their room with a a very heavy tip, he decides to spy on them. That night he sits in the lobby opposite their room. All night long he hears laughing and clapping sounds from…

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Two News

Doctor : I have a bad news and an even worse news for you, Mr. Johnson. Johnson : Well..I’m ready. What’s the bad one? Doctor : You have a tumor in your brain, and about 24 hours left to live. Johnson : Now, what possibly can be a worse news than that? Doctor : Well..I’m very sorry Mr. Johnson. It’s just that I should’ve told that yesterday.

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Art Appreciation

Jill goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Jill walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.” “I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist. Jill says, “Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

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Black Sheep

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent…

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Incident on a Crosstown Bus

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. On the fourth move, the man burst out laughing! She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.…

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ADVENTUROUS GIRL

One evening, Charlie was feeling pretty light-headed from a couple of boilermakers when he rang the bell of the most expensive cat-house in town. “How ya doin’”, he said when the madam answered the door. “I want your mos’ adventurous girl.” The madam ushered him inside and sat him down. “You have to be a little more specific”, she said. “What do you mean by ‘adventurous’?” “Well when I’ve had a couple a lil drinks, sometimes I have a tough…

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