Ell Jokes - page 237

15 inches

These three guys go camping: Joe, Frank and Bob (insert your friends names instead). They get camp all set up and these bandits come along and start tearing up their campsite and take all their money. The bandits tie up the three guys and are going to kill them. Joe speaks up and says, “Is there any way you’ll let us live?” One of the bandits says, “Well let’s see here …if all your penises together in a line equal…

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Change of Vacation Plans

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. “It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas,” the friend observed. “But didn’t you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?” “Well,” the husband said, “we changed our plans because, uh…” His wife cut in, “Oh, tell the truth, Fred!” He feel silent, and she continued, “You know, it’s just ridiculous. Fred simply will NOT ask for directions.”

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Hans and Stein

Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. Hans ran inside to get help, yelling, “MOM! DAD! COME QUICK! THERE’S A FRANC IN STEIN!”

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Pissed Off Wife

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along. “What’ll ya have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. “Yuck, it’s nasty poison!” she spluttered. “I don’t know…

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Japanese Banking Crisis

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it’s getting worse. Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.…

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Kindergarten Homework Assignment

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and reltate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. “It’s a period”, said the little boy. “Well,…

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Van Gogh Family Tree

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: His obnoxious brother………………………….Please Gogh His dizzy aunt ……………………………….Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes……………………..Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store…….Stopn Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia…………………U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white……….Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois……………………….Chica Gogh His magician uncle…………………………….Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin…………………………….Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin’s American half brother……….Grin Gogh The nephew who…

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10 ways to know you’re a redneck

1. If you pay dues on a tatoo. 2. If you’ve been on the news five times explaining what the tornado did. 3. If people often come to your door thinking you were having a yardsale. 4. If you mow your yard and find a car. 5. If you hear the term “modem” and think of what you did to your roses last week. 6. If you see a sign that says “Say no to crack” and it reminds you…

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Experimental Lawyers

At a convention of biological scientists’ one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results…

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boy gets laid

A boy comes home from school one day and goes to his mom and says “Mom, Mom, guess what! I got laid today!” The mom looks at him and says “What?! You go to your room and stay there until your father comes home.” When the father comes home the mother tells him what happened to their son at school. The father goes to see the boy he says, “Well your mother told me what you did at school.” The…

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