Ell Jokes - page 195

Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a “code” to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single…

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This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied. “Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth. “Are you sure about that?” “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.’”

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One day a man from Alabama comes to Georgia to get an education. He goes to the first professor he sees and says, “What can you teach me?” Shocked, the professor answers, “Well, I can teach you about the power of reasoning.” With a questioned look on his face, the man replied, “What’s that?” “I’ll give you an example,” said the professor. “Do you have a weedeater?” Although the question seemed strange, the man answered, “Yes, I do” “Well, if…

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As the result of some horseplay with a teammate, football Hall of Famer Bronko Nagurski once fell out of a second-floor window. A crowd gathered. A policeman appeared. He asked, “What happened? Replied Nagurski, “I don’t know. I just got here myself.”

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Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally, Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. “I got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us.” “Great. Where do you live?” “Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front…

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A son came to the conclusion that he must put his dad in a nursing home, because his father could no longer get around. His father called him after the first night and said, “Son I’m so glad you put me in here.” “Why Dad?” his son asked “Because I woke up today with the biggest erection, I’ve had in years. And the nurse saw it and gave me oral sex.” “That’s great, Dad!” the son replied and they both…

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When a football team loses, they should at least lose uniquely… The Packers have been boxed up. The Steelers were smelted. The Redskins were thrown off the reservation. The Cowboys got scalped. The Jaguars were poached. The Seahawks got plucked. The Broncos were sent to the glue factory. The Giants fell off the beanstalk. The Dolphins got caught in the tuna net. and finally… The Jets crashed.

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One day an English ship is sailing along, when suddenly a ship of pirates attacks them. Before the pirates board the English captain commands the first mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The first mate goes and gets his shirt. Then the English crew fight off the pirates. Later on the English ship encounters three pirate ships. Once again the captain tells the first mate, “Fetch me my red shirt!” The first mate gets the shirt. Then the English crew…

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into…

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