Ears Jokes - page 44

A True ‘Friendly Skies’ Story

Years ago, a united Airlines flight at Denver’s old Stapleton International Airport was canceled. As a harried United agent was re-booking the inconvenienced passengers on other flights, an angry primmadonna flier pushed his way to the front of the line, slapped his ticket down on the counter and exclaimed, “I MUST be on THIS flight, and it must be FIRST CLASS!” The agent was polite and apologized for the inconvenience the passenger was experiencing, but said that to be fair,…

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Scottish Immigrant

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans yelling ?run… run!? The next batter connects heavily with the ball. The Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, ?R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!? A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams ?R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!? The next batter…

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Little Johnny and Organs

“Good morning class! Today we are learning about human organs that come in pairs,” says the teacher. “For example, our eyes are organs and we have two, now give me some more examples. Let’s start with Linda.” “Ears!” says Linda excitedly. “Very good,” replies the teacher. “Michael?” “Balls,” replies Michael The teacher is a little surprised by Michael’s crudeness, but accepts his answer. “Yes, little Johnny?” “The penis,” says little Johnny. “Hey wait a minute, we only have one penis!”…

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3 Envelopes Of Advice

Mr. Johnson had been chosen by the board of a large software company as CEO. On the first day he took office as CEO, Mr. Johnson received three numbered envelopes and a note from the former CEO. In the note, the former CEO wished his successor good luck in running the company. Furthermore, the former CEO explained that he left these three envelopes containing advice. Each envelope should only be opened in the event of a crisis the company would…

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Cheating husband

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. Her husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!”

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Life of Riley

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. There sits a long-time resident who looks about 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer, inquiringly. The old-timer says, “Look at me. I”m old and worn out. You”d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley, would you? I wintered on the Riviera, had a yacht, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.” The new…

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Hillary’s parrot

Hillary wanted to add some color to the White House. She decided to look at tropical birds for reasons known only to her. While shopping for the bird, she visited a local pet store which was known for its collection of tropical birds. As she was viewing the collection, she noted a vast difference in prices. “Why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?” she asked. “Well, ma’am,” the manager told her, “not everyone would want…

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Lil’ Polar Bear

Lil’ polar bear goes to his mom and asks, “Mom am I 100% pure Polar Bear?” Mother Bear says, “Why yes, son, you are! If you do not believe me, go ask your Pops.” So the lil’ polar bear goes to Pops and asks, “Pops, am I 100% pure polar bear?” The father answers, “Well let’s see… my mom and Pop were both pure Polar Bears, so were your grandparents on your mom’s side and both your mom and I…

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Thoughts on Men and Women

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change…

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