Ears Jokes - page 41

Three out of Four

Three of the tennis foursome head for the showers after the match. The fourth one just gets into his car and goes home. This happens every week–the same three shower, number four, doesn’t. Finally, one guy asks him why he doesn’t shower after playing tennis; he is, after all, just as hot and sweaty as the other three. “To tell you the truth,” he says, “I’m kind of shy about being naked in front of other guys. To be perfectly…

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Divorce: Disney Style

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce after several years of marriage. When they are standing before the divorce court, the presiding judge gives his ruling on Mickey Mouse’s divorce petition. The judge says, “Mr. Mouse, I’m afraid I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie Mouse.” “What? How come, your Honor?” asks a surprised Mickey Mouse. “Well, there is nothing in your petition for divorce to support your claims that Mrs. Mouse is crazy.” explains the judge.…

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Bill and Saddam

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed.…

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BLONDE VISITS DOCTOR

“What seems to be the problem, Miss Appleby?” inquired the doctor. “Look at my ears, doc. They’re both burnt.” “My lord, how did that happen?” “I was ironing when the phone rang, but I mistakenly put my ear to the iron instead of the phone.” “How awful, but what about the other ear?” “The bastard called back.”

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Mellowed Mom

I have five siblings . . . three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my mom about how she had changed as a mother from her first child to her last. She told me she really had mellowed quite a lot over the years . . . “When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”

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Men are like…..

For you ladies (and men so you’re prepared), a little MEN ARE LIKE humor: MEN ARE LIKE… Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years. MEN ARE LIKE… Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest. MEN ARE LIKE… Blenders, you need one, but you’re not quite sure why. MEN ARE LIKE… Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right to your hips. MEN ARE…

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Teena and Piddles

A little girl named Teena has a cat named Piddles, and one day Piddles dies. Teena runs to her father with tears in her eyes and says, “DAD PIDDLES IS DEAD!!!” Her dad says, “Oh I’m so sorry that that had to happen.” Tenna sniffs, “Dad, how c-come Piddles legs and arms are sticking up in the air?” The dad having no idea, uses his quick wit and says, “Well, this way when Jesus comes down to get her he…

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St. Peter greets the Lawyer

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable…

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Birds and Bees

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. “Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell…

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The Sad Wife’s Wishes

One day a woman was walking along the beach thinking of the sad state of her life, for her husband had just told her that he wanted a divorce. As she was walking, she tripped over something in the sand. The woman picked the object up, revealing a lamp. The woman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared before her. “I will grant you three wishes,” the genie said, “but whatever you wish for, your husband will get double.” The…

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