Jokes News

Jim and Ted play golf together every Monday. Jim always wins because Ted is a terrible putter.

One Monday, Ted can’t miss. He sinks every shot on the green. Jim can’t believe his eyes!

After the round, Jim asks, “What has happened? You can’t miss today.”

Ted says, “Order up the beer, I have to go to the bathroom”.

When Ted comes back the front of his pants are all wet.

Confused, Jim asks “What happened to your pants?”

“I’ll get to that in a minute, let tell you about my game.

I went to the eye doctor last week, and he said that I need bifocals. So when I look down, I see a little ball and a big ball. I look over and see a little hole and a big hole. I put the little ball in the big hole, and I can’t miss.”

“What about your pants?”

“I looked down and saw a little one and a big one, figured the little one wasn’t mine, so I put it away.”

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So he hired
a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and
report any activities that might develop. A few days later,
he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave
house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and
she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she.
She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she.
She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, do not see.

Jennifer Flowers was being interviewed by a reporter, when he asked her if she and Clinton did the same things that he and Monica had done.

Ms. Flowers looked at the reporter and said:
“Close, but no cigar!”

A gang member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was preparing lunch in the kitchen.

The baby murmured, “Mother.”

The guy got all excited and hollered to his wife, “HEY, WOMAN, THE BABY JUST SAID HALF A WORD!”

Mrs. Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the
class to play a game where one student starts
drawing on the board, then one by one others add to it.

She decides not to start with Johnny,
because he is so naughty and always has some “unusual” picture in mind.

So she starts with Jane.
Jane: “This is our House”

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The teacher: “Good, Jane!” and asks Peter to draw next:

Peter: “This is our House door”

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The teacher: “Very good, Peter” and calls Mary:

Mary: “This is our house roof”

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The teacher: “Very nice, Mary” and calls on Stevie:

Stevie: “And this is the sun over the house.”

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The teacher: “very nice, Stevie” and thinks, there is
not much damage that Johnny can do with this picture and asks Johnny to come to the board.

Johnny: “And this is my dad, trying to pick up the
soap when he dropped it in the shower.
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A man went to visit his friend and sees a strange machine in the middle of his living room. He asks, “What is that?”

His friend replies, “It is a sex machine.”

“OH? How does it work?”

“Just stick your dick in, insert a quarter, and it will jerk you off!”

So the guy immediately wants to try it. The friend says OK and tells him he is going to get a drink of water from the kitchen while he does his thing.

Suddenly, the friend hears a loud shriek!!! He runs back in and asks, “What’s the matter? Did you insert a quarter?”

No, I only had a dime.”

“Oh, NOOO! For a dime, it just sharpens pencils!!”

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours?”
That was the last thing he could remember.