Jokes News

What does a blonde and a hockey player have in comon? (They change their pads every four periods.)

Billy Bob was rushed to the emergency room suffering from a gaping gunshot wound on his left leg. While his wound was being cleaned, Billy Bob was asked by the doctor on duty how he got shot in the leg.

“Well, me and my buddies wuz sittin’ around drinkin’ some moonshine. Just mindin’ our own bizness,” recounted Billy Bob. “Then my best buddy Zeke got up and took up his shotgun and sez he wanna go huntin’.” Billy Bob then paused with a grimace.

“So you were shot when you went hunting with Zeke?” inquired the doctor.

“No,” replied Billy Bob. “I wuz shot just after Zeke ask me if I wanna go hunting with him and I sez, ‘Sure. I’m game.’”

25 Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word
“Pants”:

1) A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
2) You are unwise to lower your pants.
3) We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
4) She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
5) These pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.
6) I find your lack of pants disturbing.
7) These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we
use it. Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!
9) General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
10) I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
11) TK-421. . . Why aren’t you in your pants?
12) Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.
13) Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
14) You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
15) Luke. . . Help me take…these pants off.
16) Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
17) That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!
18) Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot pants more heavily
guarded than this.
19) Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, your highness.
20) Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for your sister!
21) Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
22) Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
23) Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
24) I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
25) You came in those pants? You’re braver than I thought.

Q : Why doesn’t Barbie get pregnant?

A : Cause Ken cums in his own box!

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, “Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” the boys said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour, some of the children needed to go to the toilet, so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other female teacher. She was to wait outside the men’s toilet. Soon one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one of them, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. “I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said.

“No Ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the Seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.”

This is an excerpt from a Mulls & Boot story, set in the South Island of New Zealand.

WARNING, this is steamy stuff. You either need to read this curled-up on a sofa with an exotic drink or with a cold shower close-by……….

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.The warm breeze was full of that earthy musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked.

I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved myself to a position of dominance.

I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

Finally the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us, and we rolled together in the now damp grass.

As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly and whispered how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my ear and whispered…………….
“Baaa”, then re-joined the flock.

Here’s a good jo mama joke.

Say that if you played a game with a friend and you won and the friend said, “You just got lucky.”

Then you just say, “Yeah, lucky with jo mama!”

A sad lonely Princess was walking through the forest contemplating her life when she suddenly stumbled upon a frog. After a few initial looks she scanned the woods to make sure that no one would see and leaning down she gave the frog a single kiss on the head.

To her surprise a flash and a cloud of white smoke revealed the most handsome Prince she had ever laid her eyes on. Falling to her knees she implored the Prince, “Oh sir, will you take me for your wife and spend a life of eternal bliss with me?”

To which the Prince replied, “What … some ropey old scrubber that goes around kissing frogs? Not likely!!”

God looks down on earth and decides he’s had enough. With a crack of thunder, He summons to heaven the three most powerful people on Earth:
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

“Gentlemen,” God says. “I have called you here because I am truly disappointed in humans and decided to end the world. You have one week to prepare your people. With a crack of thunder, God sends all three back to Earth.

Bill Clinton calls together his Cabinet and tells them: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is he’s really ticked off at us and is going to end the world in a week.”

Boris Yeltsin calls together his Parliament and says: “Comrades, I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is that He’s very mad at us and the world is going to end in a week.”

Bill Gates calls together his top engineers and says: “I have good news and better news. The good news is God considers me one of the three most powerful people in the world. The better news is we don’t have to fix Windows 98.”