Jokes News

There was a man driving when he spotted a policeman.
He turned to his wife and said, “Quick! Grab the steering wheel while I get my seatbelt on!”

The policeman approaches the car.

The policeman says, “I know you weren’t wearing your seatbelt!”

The man replies, “Yes I was– ask my wife!”

The policeman says, “Well, ma’am?”

His wife replies, “After all these years, I’ve learned one thing… not to argue with him when he’s drunk!”

On the day Forest dies, he meets God.

God says: “Forest, you’re a good man, and you’ve led a good life. I will allow you into heaven if you answer three questions correctly.”

Question 1. What are the two days of the week that start with T ?

Question 2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Question 3. What is my (God’s) first name?

After much thought, Forest responded. “God, I think I know all the answers to your questions. The first one, about the two days of the week that start with T…they are today and tomorrow.”

“Not what I expected you to answer, Forest.” God said. “But I can’t say that you are wrong. Have you thought about how many seconds there are in a year?”

“12,” Forest replied. “January second, February second…”

God, impressed by Forest’s creativity, said “Good Forest, Good, but do you know my first name?”

“Yes sir. It is Howard. Howard be thy name.”

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin, and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a “silent” debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, “I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay.”

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God, common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking HIM what happened. “Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me, ‘You Jews have three days to get out of here.’ So I said to him, ‘Up yours!’ Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, ‘Listen here, Mr. Pope, the Jews…we stay right here!”

“And then?” asked a woman.

“Who knows?” said Rabbi Moishe. “We broke for lunch.”

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, “Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are
completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We’re going to send you home tomorrow. You don’t have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.”

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: “Doris, you’ll never believe it: I’m completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you’ve never had before, wild, passionate sex….you’ll love it!”

Doris thinks for a minute and says, “I don’t know, Sol. I’ve heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don’t want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK… maybe I would have such sex with you….”

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his
doctor’s office; his doctor tells him, “Sure, sure, Sol, no
problem, I’ll write the note. Let’s see, here’s my prescription pad: “Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz……. Now, I’ll just address this…….By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s first name?”

“Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, ‘To Whom It May Concern”?

A very good-looking guy walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat up every single woman who walks into the bar, without any luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man, walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women in the place.

Disheartened by all this, the good-looking guy asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women. What’s his secret? He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want, but I haven’t been able to connect all night. What’s going on?”

“Well,” said the bartender, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows.”

Three Jewish immigrant brothers named Moshe, Aaron and Daniel, had a dinner reunion to celebrate their fifteen years stay in America. Since Mother’s Day was just around the corner, they were discussing the gifts they would be giving their Momma back home in Israel.

Moshe the eldest brother said, “I had a mansion built in Jerusalem and Momma would be moving into it on Mother’s Day.”

Aaron the middle brother said, “I bought a special edition Mercedes Benz for Momma and I hired a driver to take her anywhere she wants to go in Jerusalem.”

Daniel the youngest brother said, “I bought Momma a talking parrot.” Seeing his two brothers raise their eyebrows at him, Daniel raised his hand and said, “This is a special and very expensive parrot. Remember how Momma always likes to read the good book? Well, lately she can’t see very well anymore. Now this parrot was trained to memorize the entire good book in Yiddish. Just tell it a chapter and it will recite the passages in perfect Yiddish.”

The three brothers then congratulated each other for the wonderful gifts their Momma would be receiving on Mother’s Day.

Two weeks later, each brother received a letter from Momma.

To Moshe : “I only live in a very small room but I have to clean such a big house everyday.”

To Aaron : “I seldom use the big car to go out because I spent most of my time cleaning the big house. Besides the driver you hired is such an annoying lazy schmuck.”

To Daniel : “The chicken you sent me was delicious!”

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, “Pardon me, ma’am, but may I sit here with you?”

The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, “Why certainly,” and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, had lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, “Ma’am, may I ask you two questions?”

With great interest and anticipation, Marcia replied, “Why certainly!”

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. “Marcia, I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?”

Marcie grabbed at Jimmie’s hands and said, “Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!” She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcie said, “You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?”

Jimmie scratched his neck and said, “Will you help me get up?”