Wit Jokes - page 67

Hidden Meanings

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on The Reply: ———- Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge…

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Life of the Party

While attending a party hosted by his boss, the “Life of the Party” had one drink too many and woke up with a nasty hang-over and no memory of last night’s party. So he asked his wife what happened at the party. “As usual, you’ve made an ass of yourself before your boss,” said his wife with a smirk. “Well, piss on him,” said the man defiantly. “That you did and he fired you on the spot!” said the wife.…

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Come join the party Father Celestain

(this joke is written and told by a true COON-ASS so if you can spoke like a true CAJUN you guna like dis one real good. (DONT WORRY ABOUT THE SPELLING!!!) ONE TIME, FATHER THIBODEAUX WAS JUST ABOUT TO GIVE HIS TALK AT HIS CHURCH. HIS CHURCH IS USUALLY FULL, HOWEVER, DIS TIME, THERE WAS ONLY TWO OLD WOMEN IN THE PEWS. FATHER THIBODEAUX TOLD THE TWO OLD LADIES TO HOLD ON, HE WAS COMING RIGHT BACK. FATHER THIBODEAUX WENT…

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They decorated it!

Apparently a Minuteman missle crew has painted the massive concrete door atop one of their ICBM silos to look like a pizza box. It has the logo: “Delivery anywhere in the world within thirty minutes, or the second one’s free.”

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50 Fun Things to Do in a Mall

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the fountain. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream ‘MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!’ 6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD…

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ALERT! The Work Virus

There is a new virus going around, called “work.” If you receive any sort of “work” at all, whether via e-mail, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague…DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open “work” or even look at “work,” have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter “work” via e-mail or are…

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May I Be Excused?

Bobby was so excited about his first day at school that only a few minutes after the first-grade class had begun, he realized the he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Bobby raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher, Miss Adams, said yes but told Bobby to hurry back. Five minutes later, Bobby returned, looking more desperate than before. “I can’t find it,” he explained. Miss Adams drew a little…

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Texas Spread

A Texan visiting Vermont asked a farmer how large an acreage he cultivated. The Vermonter said, meditatively, “Oh, it’s quite large. My farm extends for about a hundred yards in that direction and for nearly a hundred-twenty yards in that. And how large an acreage do you handle?” The Texan could not help but smile. “Back home, ” he said, “I have a ranch with my house at one end. I can get into my car at the house early…

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History of Giving the Finger

History of ‘Giving the Finger’… Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the use of their middle finger, they would be incapable of fighting in the future using the longbow. This famous weapon, the longbow, was made from the native English Yew tree. The act of drawing the longbow was known as “plucking the yew” (or “pluck yew”). Much to…

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Computer Viruses

COMPUTER VIRUSES Woody Allen Virus Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. Tonya Harding Virus Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons. Paul Revere Virus Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus Instantly turns 1 K of disk space into 1 Meg. Ollie North Virus Plays a patriotic WAV while it shreds your files. Joey Buttafuoco Virus Only attacks minor files. Lorena Bobbit Virus Your hard disc…

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