Wit Jokes - page 266

What a Team!

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. “Oh, we’ll never need counseling. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I act like I’m listening.”

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Satisfying Others

After dinner, dancing, and a moonlit stroll under the moon, a young man and his highly experienced date retire to his apartment for some extra-curricular activities. The action is hot, and soon both find themselves naked in his bed. Suddenly, the woman starts laughing uncontrollably at the sight of his little penis, and asks her new boyfriend, “Who do you plan on pleasing with that little thing?” Without missing a beat the young man replies, “Me!”

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broken down car

A blonde goes to her mechanic and says, “My car is not working properly, can you fix it?” The mechanic tinkers with it for a while and says, “All done! Your car is fine.” The blonde asks, “What’s the story?” “Just crap in your carburator.” “Well how often should I do that?”

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Encountering the Lift

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silverwalls which could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this, Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I don’t know what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady…

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Brotherly Love

Two brothers, Tom & Cody, live in the same house with their mom. One day Tom goes on a vacation for 3 days to Florida. The next day Tom calls Cody at home and asks how his cat Morris is doing. Cody replies, “He’s dead.” Tom flies off the handle at Cody and yells at him for an hour. Cody finally gets Tom calmed down and pleads to Tom that it wasn’t his fault. Tom says, “I know that you…

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road????

Chicken Anyone? Why did the chicken cross the road? Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side. Plato: For the greater good. Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. Karl Marx: It was an historically inevitability. Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world…

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Chevy Nova Awards

These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honour of the GM’s fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. “NO VA” means, of course, in Spanish, “it doesn’t go”. 1. The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention that the Spanish translation read “Are you lactating?” 2. Coors put its slogan, “Turn It…

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George Burns’ 5 Tips for Meeting Women

1. Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too. 2. If a real beauty comes your way walking her dog, stop and pet it. That makes you her friend, and before you know it she’ll be introducing herself and shaking your hand, unless her dog is a pit bull. Then she’ll just introduce herself. 3. Bump into her rear end.…

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Read JokeGeorge Burns’ 5 Tips for Meeting Women