Wit Jokes - page 245

Isn’t Anybody Listening?

President Franklin D. Roosevelt found the polite small talk of social functions at the White House somewhat tedious. He maintained that those present on such occasions rarely paid much attention to what was said to them. To illustrate the point, he would sometimes amuse himself by greeting guests with the words, “I murdered my grandmother this morning.” The response was invariably one of polite approval. On one occasion, however, the president happened upon an attentive listener. On hearing Roosevelt’s outrageous…

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How to Discern the Sex of Babies

Two babies were in their cribs, when one baby said to the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?” “I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling. “What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby. “I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply. “Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling. “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.” He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then…

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Tech Support

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight10.3, Bar Night 2.5, Weekend Golf 6.1 and Football 5.0 no…

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An Ode to spring

This poem was written by Mary C. Johnson age 93 of Southfield Nursing home, for a thanks to a doctor that saved her from a disease. The sun was shining brightly, And I could hardly wait, To raise my breakfast window, And gaze upon God’s estate. The breeze was blowing gently, And it brushed the flowers away, All the nature was enchanting, Upon this lovely day. My eyes fell upon a little bird, With a tender yellow bill, Who was…

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Hubby’s amazement

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear. “It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see…

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Thank You Note

A Junior High School in Memphis, Tennessee sponsored a luncheon for the residents of a senior citizens home. The principal of the school received the following Thank You note. * * * Dear Reyer School: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens’ luncheon. I’m 94 years old and live at the Memphis County Home for the Aged. My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I…

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The Turkey Wanker

This jobless guy goes into a job centre looking for work, and is told that he’ll HAVE to take whatever job he picks at random from a bucket. So he delves deep, and pulls out one that says “TURKEY WANKER REQUIRED”. He has no option, and goes to this nearby farm. He speaks to the farmer, who explains that the latest craze in Japan is for women to smear turkey spunk on their faces to prevent wrinkles. And the farmer…

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2 fleas

Two fleas meet on Miami beach every year, a warm flea and a cold flea. The warm flea is always there with the Stones on the radio, cooler full of Bud and suntan oil on, while the cold flea shows up shivering. The warm flea asks, “Why do you always show up shivering?” The cold flea replies, “I come from N.Y.C. so I jump in a biker’s beard and head down to Miami when the leaves turn color. The wind…

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Guys and Gals difference in Vocabulary

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car’s hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look…

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Blonde On a Boeing 747

Coming on board the Boeing 747 for the first time in her life, the young blonde can hardly contain her excitement and nervousness at riding a jumbo jet for the very first time. In fact, she is so giddy with excitement that she can barely contain herself. To release tension caused by her nervousness, she starts running up and down the aisle from seat to seat, happily chanting in a very loud voice, “BOEING! BOEING! BOEING! BOEING!” Hearing the ruckus…

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