Wa wa Jokes - page 302

The Nurse Who Got It All Wrong

Dr. Masters and Dr. Johnson were discussing the performance of Nurse Ratchett who seemed to have trouble understanding the simplest instruction. Dr. Masters said, “I notice Nurse Ratchett always mixes up the words in any instruction I give her. Why, just recently, I told her to give Mr. Jones an injection of two-milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. What she did was to give him an injection of 10-milligrams every two hours. Mr. Jones damn near died on us!” “Tell…

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Order Ahead

A sad-faced man came into the flower shop early one morning. I was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, but this time I guessed wrong. He wanted a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. “And what day will that be?” I asked. Glumly, he replied, “Yesterday.”

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Hair cut in the city

A country boy has come into some money and decides he will go to town. Having never been to town before he strolls up and down the streets looking at the stores, when he comes to a barber shop. “Well,” he says. “I have never had a city hair cut, I think I will get one.” He goes in and sits down and the barber says, “What can I do for you?” Country boy says, “I want the works, everything,…

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Breaking the News

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: “Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love YOU so much that we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day…

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Advice from Mr. Big

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head’s office. He’s a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office, I asked him, “Sir, what is the secret of your success?” He said, “Two words.” “And, Sir, what are they?” “Right decisions.” “But how do you make right decisions?” “One word,” he responded. “And, Sir, what is that?”…

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Granny has a LONG memory!

When three-year-old opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. The Mother was not so pleased. She turned to Grandmom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how WE used to drive you crazy with water guns?” Grandmom smiled and then replied, “I do remember, why do you think I bought it?”

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Weight Up

Gus was this really big guy who desperately wanted to lose weight but nothing worked. So Gus went to see the doctor. “Doctor, please tell me how to lose weight.” “Sure” the doctor said, “all you have to do is eat through your arse and it wont go through your body so you can’t put on weight.” 2 months later….. The doctor sees Gus up the street, “WOW Gus, you look great, but what’s with that terrible limp?” Gus replies,…

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Tarzan’s Job Interview

Tarzan decided to return to civilization with Jane and their son. He also decided to find work in the city. This was how his job interview went : Interviewer : Name? Tarzan : Me, Tarzan. Interviewer : Married? Tarzan : Wife Jane. Interviewer : Children? Tarzan : Son Boy. Interviewer : Anything else to your name besides Tarzan? Tarzan : Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle. Interviewer : Jane’s whole name? Tarzan : Jane’s hole named Pussy.

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Make a Sentence

Children were called upon in class to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words “Defeat,” “Defense,” “Deduct,” and “Detail.” Jack stood thinking for a bit, all eyes focused on him, while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, “DEFEAT of DEDUCT went over DEFENSE before DETAIL!!!”

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Glad to Be a Man

I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe. I don’t live off of yogurt, diet Coke, or cottage cheese. I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west. I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears. I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And…

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