Uck Jokes - page 89

F___ing Rich

A Blonde from Kentucky was really poor. She was working 2 jobs, just to keep her and her 3 kids alive. She was always telling everybody that she wished that she was fucking rich, instead of fucking poor. One day while walking home from work she found an old lamp along side of the road, when she pulled the cork out, here came a genie. He was so happy he said,” I’ll grant you one wish if you let me…

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Little Johnny’s Defense

Wednesday morning, Little Johnny comes into class late. The teacher called him to her desk and said, “Johnny, This is the third time you’ve been tardy this week.” Thinking of a punishment she says, “I want you to make a sentence out of these three words: defense, deduct, and detail.” So at recess Johnny comes back into the room and tells her that he’s done. He recites it to her: “De head of de duck goes over de fence before…

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Who does Monica think she is?

I noticed some interesting things about Monica Lewinsky: – Nobody would know about her if it weren’t for Bill – She sucks – She blows – She’s bloated – She’s the focus of a huge legal battle – She’ll go down in a heartbeat Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?

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You Know Your Getting Older When…

1. You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions. 2. You get winded playing checkers. 3. You need a fire permit to light all of the birthday candles and you need oxygen after blowing them out. 4. You order Geritol on the rocks. 5. You sink your teeth into a thick steak and they stay there. 6. You stop to think and sometimes forget to start again. 7. You don’t need an alarm clock to get up…

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The bat

This one bat returned from a long hard day’s work of collecting blood. Upon his return to the bat cave, he proceeded to hang from his perch whereupon a group of his friends noticed the blood from around his mouth. They approached him and continually badgered him to tell the others where he got that blood. Although he was exhausted, he finally agreed to show the other bats where he got the blood under the condition that the other bats…

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I Like Monkeys

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece. I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in…

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Safe Cross Code

These two drunks stumble out of a pub in Ireland at about 4:00 in the morning. They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman. The first drunk pipes up, “Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet.” To which the policeman replies “Of course it has. It’s 4:00 in the morning.” The second drunk then weighs in and says, “Sorry, sir, but…

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Monica’s new job

Monica Lewinsky got a new job with Coca-Cola, as a packager and taste-tester. To commemorate her new position (which wasn’t on her knees), she bought a new dress for her Mother and both of them went down to the Potomac River, to celebrate. While there, the two of them had an argument and Monica actually tried to drown her Mother in the Potomac River. When a police officer showed up to rescue Monica’s Mother, Monica punched him in the mouth.…

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Intelligent Hunting Dog

A farmer was down on his luck having suffered a bad growing season, lack of crops and poor prices. To make ends meet he decided he’d have to sell his dog – a most intelligent animal. A few days after placing the ad, a man came to see this “intelligent” dog. When asked what the dog could do, the farmer pointed to a stand of trees nearby and informed the man there was a pond on the other side. He…

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