Ual Jokes - page 41

Joke on the Boss

At the annual company Christmas party, the staff decided to play a practical joke on their boss. When he went to the restroom, they (with his wife) went through his coat pockets and found his LOTTO ticket. Then they wrote down his numbers and called the waitress over to set up a little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night’s winning LOTTO numbers. She then proceeded to read them out…

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Monkey Work

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.” The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist…

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Our Government

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little…

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Home Economics – Then and Now

The following is from an ACTUAL 1950’s Home Economics textbook for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life. 1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal – on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the propects of a good meal are part of the…

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A Royal Pain in the …

A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. Se came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,…

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The Buddhist Priest and the Irish Man

There was a competition to find out who the smartest man in the world was. In this competition, there was only one rule, you can’t talk. So it all comes down to a Buddhist priest and an Irish man. So the priest starts out by holding up one finger. The Irish man holds up two fingers. The Buddhist priest holds up three fingers and the Irish man holds up a fist. The priest holds up a small circle with one…

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Weathering the Storm

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application…

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Firewater? Tea?

The missionaries were doing their best to convert the local Indians, and to stop their consumption of liquor but to no avail. Finally they introduced them to tea. Iced tea, hot tea, etc. The Indians loved it! They drank it every morning, every afternoon, evenings. It was great! Soon tho, it seemed to get out of hand. All this tea drinking, all the time… even at their parties and pow-wows. One pow-wow in particular it seemed they must’ve overdone it.…

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Sage Advice on Winning the Man of Your Dreams

Sage Advice on Winning the Man of Your Dreams Many women are under the impression that if they are attractive, conscientious and treat a guy really well, they have a chance of winning their guy. But let’s be honest: has this ever really worked for you? Probably not. There’s a much more effective method. It may seem insane, but it works! To capture the man of your dreams, this is what you must do: 1) Act like you really, really…

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Headlines

Subject: 40 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists) 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope…

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