Ting Jokes - page 36

Health Warnings

Due to increasing products liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcoholic drink containers: Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.…

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Bitter Quarrel

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife–Cold as Ever!’” “Yeah? Well, when you die, I’m getting YOU a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband–Stiff at Last!’”

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3 Newfies

One fine summer day three newfies decided to move to Alberta and find work. The first place they stopped at was Alberta Power and applied for labourer positions. The foreman for Alberta Power asked them if they had ever planted power line poles before to which they replied, “No bye, but we’s be fast learners and quick too.” So the foreman said, “Alright, show up tomorrow morning and I’ll give you a try.” The next morning the three newfies showed…

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Someone is Going to Die!

A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting on the finishing touches on bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. “I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.” The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, “May I please have those roses?” “What happened?” the first man asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?” “It’s…

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Lincoln the Memoirs

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

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Seaman and the Pirate

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off”. “Blimey!” said…

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First-Time Altar Boy

There was a young boy just learning to be an altar boy, and he was very nervous. On his first Sunday, there was a special service, and the Priest explained to him that when he said, “And the Angels lit the candles,” the alter boy was to come out and light the candles. Sunday morning came, and the service was going along just fine until it came to the part where the Priest said, “And the Angels lit the candles.”…

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(True) Bloopers from Church Bulletins

These are true stories supposedly… * Don’t let worry kill you- let the church help. * Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. * Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. * For those of you who have children and didn’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. * The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.…

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Woodsmeller

A man sat in a bar without money hoping to somehow score a free drink. Thinking up a clever plan, as he was a wood lover he makes a bet with the barman that he can identify any wood by just smelling it, even blind folded. The barman ran outside, picked up a pine and asked the man to smell it, he did so and said, “This is pine.” Giving him his free drink the barman ran out again and…

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chunks

One night there were two guys sitting around a fire. One guy turns around and says, “Do you want a beer?” The other guy replies, “No, better not. Last time I got drunk, I blew chunks”. So they’re still sitting around and about an hour later, the first guy is just wasted. He asked again, “Are you sure you don’t want a beer?” The second guy says “No, last time I blew chunks.” The first guy said, “Don’t be a…

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