Ting Jokes - page 175

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux…

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were standing at Heaven’s Gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter. Thibodeaux: “How did you get here?” Boudreaux: “Hypothermia. You?” Thibodeaux: “You won’t believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of screwing around and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack.”…

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Is it Working?

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table. I opened the refrigerator and, taped to the inside of the door, was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfect-built, but scantily-clad, young woman. “Mom, what’s this? I asked. “Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat,” she answered. “Is it working?” I asked. “Well, yes and no,” she replied. “I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has…

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Making the News

A newspaper reporter for the Los Angeles Times had received instructions from his senior editor to get photographs of a brush fire in the foothills of northern California. The instructions included hurrying to the Santa Monica Airport to board a small plane, taking some photos of the fire, and hurrying back by noon to meet a deadline. The reporter dressed quickly, rushed to the airport, saw the small plane waiting on the runway, drove his car to the end of…

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vet

a man takes his dog to the vet and asks why he is so ill.The vet replies your dog is very old,i think we’ll have to put him down.The man says,ive had him fifteen years,hes my best buddy,i want some tests done! The vet replies,okay we’ll give him a blood test. The results come back suggesting the dog has to be put down and the vet tells him this.The man says i’m not happy about it,can we run more tests?…

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Little Kids

There was a little boy and a little girl playing in a sandbox. The little boy asks the little girl if she would show him her private. She said no, but the little boy said that if she showed him hers he would show her his. The little girl agreed lifted up her dress, and the little boy looked and was pleased. Then the little boy pulled down his pants and the little girl looked. When the little boy went…

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viruses

Mike Tyson Virus quits after one byte The Ellen Degeneres Virus your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC Titanic Virus makes your whole computer go down Disney Virus everything in the computer goes Goofy Prozac Virus screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care Kevorkian Virus searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them Oprah Winfrey Virus your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB AT&T Virus every 3 minutes it…

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When it rains, it pours …

A man was sitting alone at the bar looking so sad and forlorn. He had a glass of beer in front of him but he did not touch the glass for more than half an hour. Just then a burly, mean biker approached the sad man, grabbed the glass and drank all the content. As the biker wiped off the beer suds from his mouth, the man began to cry. The biker laughed and said, “Hey, man, I was just…

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A Perfect Opportunity

Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault. They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, “Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?” One of the robbers said, “What’s on your mind, pal?” “Would you mind taking the books too?” the teller asked. “I’m five thousand dollars short.”

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Bill Clinton Statue Committee

Bill Clinton Statue Committee 1040 Buffoon Street Little Rock, AR 72205 Dear Friend: We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising 5 million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the hall of fame in Washington, DC. This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth,…

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Facelift

A woman goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. “Well”, says the doctor, “I can do the facelift, and then you will have to come back in six months for a follow-up.” “Oh no!” the woman replies. “I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back.” The doctor thinks for a few seconds, then offers, “There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your…

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