Ting Jokes - page 155

Tech Support for Wives

Dear Tech Support: Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SundayFootball…

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A Few Random Thoughts

If foreign films are so good, how come they don’t make them in this country? Definition of an optimist: an accordian player with a beeper. Old age is when you tell a friend you’re having an affair and he says, “That’s wonderful! Who’s the caterer?” Part of the trouble with doing nothing in life is that you never know when you’re through. Tractor pulls were invented so professional wrestling fans would have someone to look down on. Opieology: a religion…

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Five Short Ones About Kids

My grandson was telling me that he and his three playmates attended different churches. Then he added, “It really doesn’t matter if we go to different churches, does it, Grandma, as long as we’re all Republicans?” A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, “No, I’m the lonely child.” My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally…

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Read JokeFive Short Ones About Kids

Fascinate

The 3rd grade school teacher says,” O.K. everybody, the word for today is fascinate, and you have to come up with a sentence using that word.” Little Cindy raises her hand and says,”I went to the zoo on Friday, and it was fascinating.” The teacher says, “That’s nice but we want to use fascinate, not fascinating.” Larry raises his hand and says,”I went to a movie Saturday and I was fascinated.” The teacher says,”That’s nice too, but we want to…

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Wrong Taxiway

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming “US AIR 2771, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I TOLD YOU TO TURN RIGHT ON “CHARLIE” TAXIWAY; YOU TURNED RIGHT ON “DELTA.” STOP RIGHT THERE. I KNOW IT’S DIFFICULT TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Cs AND Ds, BUT GET IT RIGHT!!!”…

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Red Tees

A man is on the first hole of a snooty golf course getting ready to hit his ball. He stands near the red tee, sets up, and gets ready to hit when he hears a voice over the loudspeaker say, “Will the gentleman please step back to the Men’s Tee.” He ignores the voice, and gets ready to hit again. Just as he starts to swing, he hears the voice again: “Will the gentleman please step back to the Men’s…

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Cannibal’s Q&A

Q: What did the notorious cannibal Hannibal Lecter do when he entered an “eat-all-you-can” restaurant? A: He had two waiters, one busboy and half a maitre’d. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: He wiped his butt. Q: What did the cannibal say when he first saw a skating rink? A: “What do you know … People on the rocks!” Q: Why do cannibals avoid eating stand-up comedians? A: Because they taste funny. Q: Why…

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Whole Lotta Yo Mama

SO BIG Yo mama’s so big, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step. Yo mama’s so big, her belly button’s got an echo. Yo mama’s so big, she can’t wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back. Yo mama’s so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama’s so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers. Yo mama’s so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. Yo mama’s so big, she uses bowling…

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Well, she was different!

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery, she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her…

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Read JokeWell, she was different!