Time outs Jokes - page 9

Computer Camp

Dear Jenny, Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always been a good, normal ten-year-old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire,…

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You know you work in 1990s Corporate America when….

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!” Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube. Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes”, “in your spare time”, “when you’re freed up”, and “I have an opportunity for you.” Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January. Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”. Change is the norm. Nepotism is…

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God asks about Modern Gardening

“Winterize your lawn,” the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I’ve fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I’m supposed to winterize it? I hope it’s too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we’ve come up with, outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne’s lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through…

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Thank You Note

A Junior High School in Memphis, Tennessee sponsored a luncheon for the residents of a senior citizens home. The principal of the school received the following Thank You note. * * * Dear Reyer School: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens’ luncheon. I’m 94 years old and live at the Memphis County Home for the Aged. My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I…

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Blonde On a Boeing 747

Coming on board the Boeing 747 for the first time in her life, the young blonde can hardly contain her excitement and nervousness at riding a jumbo jet for the very first time. In fact, she is so giddy with excitement that she can barely contain herself. To release tension caused by her nervousness, she starts running up and down the aisle from seat to seat, happily chanting in a very loud voice, “BOEING! BOEING! BOEING! BOEING!” Hearing the ruckus…

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Read JokeBlonde On a Boeing 747

Heavenly Golf II

Jesus and St. Peter were teeing it up in front of a 250 yard carry over a lake. St. Peter asked Jesus what club he was going to use. Jesus replied, “A 1 Iron.” St. Peter said, “Only Tiger Woods can hit a 1 Iron that far.” Ignoring the advice, Jesus hits 3 balls in the water and starts walking on the water to retrieve his balls. About that time a foursome behind them comes up on the tee, and…

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Read JokeHeavenly Golf II

Top 20 things to do at Taco Bell

1. Order 25 tacos at the drive-thru, then just pull off. 2. Demand to speak with that talking Chihuahua. 3. Ask for ketchup with your nachos. 4. Ask if they accept Mexican money. 5. Tell them you want a taco, but tell them without the shell. 6. Scream “VIVA GORDITAS!” the whole time you are in there. 7. Order nachos; without cheese. 8. Ask if you can super size your taco. 9. Claim that you are the voice-over guy for…

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Blonde’s Mailbox

One day a guy was out doing yard work when his very attractive blonde female neighbor came stomping outside, walked to her mailbox, opened the door, slammed it shut, and stomped back in. A few minutes later the blonde stomped outside, walked to her mailbox, opened the door, looked in and slammed the door shut again. This continued 3 or 4 more times. The last time the blonde flung open her door, marched to the mailbox flung open the mailbox…

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Read JokeBlonde’s Mailbox

Jeffery

Jeffery was a maintenance man for a big-time broadway production company. He was the guy who went around sweeping the floors after hours. One day, though, Jeffery was approached by one of the big time directors, a man dressed all in black, with a megaphone hung limply in his left arm. “Jeffery,” he said, “I have some news for you. We’re putting on a gigantic production about the Civil War tomorrow. One of my men came down with the flu…

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Dividing Nuts

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree…

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Read JokeDividing Nuts