Time off Jokes - page 24

the way they are…

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s this year’s list: **************************************** 1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. 2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot. 3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.…

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Baby Pictures

Baby Photographer The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to….” “Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting…

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Some things to consider….

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy? Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now! If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? A hangover is…

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Diary of a Viagra Housewife

Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Wussy. Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he…

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King Arthur & the Old Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur?s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the…

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10 things women will NEVER understand about Men:

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it’s annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do, wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they’ll…

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Well Endowed

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Dave. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Dave, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home ahd told…

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Top 15 Vampire Complaints

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. 13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time 11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, “Look Ma! It’s Elvis!” 10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it’s impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin. 9. After 100 years of trying,…

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The Monsignor and the Priest

A new priest saying mass for the first time was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor told him that he appeared nervous but that he had some advice for him. He told the new priest that he always puts a glass of vodka next to the water glass. ?If I get nervous I drink from that glass? the Monsignor told the priest. The following Sunday the priest…

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RAINY CROTCH

This real short girl went to the doctor one day and complained that every time it rained her crotch hurt. The doctor wanted to know how long this had been going on, and she said ever since she could remember. The doctor told her to come back on a rainy day so he could check it out. Sure enough, the next day it rained and she went back to the doctor. He advised her that he would have to give…

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