Time is time Jokes - page 76

‘While you’ve been away…’

Coming back from a month-long business trip to Asia, a wealthy businessman arrived at the airport where he was fetched by his chauffeur named Jim. On the long drive home, the businessman inquired, “So, Jim, has anything happened while I was away?” Jim replied, “No, sir. I can’t think of anything at all worth mentioning.” The businessman said, “Come now, Jim. I have been away for almost a month. Surely something must have happened in all that time.” Thinking for…

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Happy New Year

On New Year’s Eve, Judy stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the start of the new year. At the stroke of midnight, she said that every husband should be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death!

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Quiet

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said “Stay here and be very quiet. I’ll be across the field.” A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, “What’s wrong? I told you to be quiet.” The son answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks…

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Pick-Up Mishap

Two guys are sitting at a table in a bar checking out the ladies. They are talking about how the second guy can never seem to pick up any women, so the first guy decides to show him how. “Watch,” he says. I’ll go pick up some women, you watch and learn. “Ok,” says the second guy. The first guy slides up next to a pretty young blonde woman at the bar. He says, “Tickle your ass with a feather?”…

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Dark Tunnel

There was Claudia Schiffer, an Englishman, and an Irishman sitting in a carriage of a real old fashioned train with no lights. When they went through a tunnel, it was all dark. Suddenly, there was a kissing noise and the sound of a slap. When they came out of the tunnel, the Englishman was sitting with his hand on his cheek as if he had been slapped. He was thinking: The Irish fella must’ve kissed Claudia Schiffer and when she…

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Game Warden

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to “enforce the laws pending.” He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, “Looks like you’ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?” The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here’s a Washington state duck.…

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Enterprising child

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy. The little boy says, “It sure is dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy – “I have a baseball.” Man – “That’s nice.” Boy – “Want to buy it?”…

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10 Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend’s Parents

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me. 2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday? 3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head? 4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check! 5. We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times. 6. Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable in my opinion.…

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Dead Lawyers

A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.” The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry but he died last week.” The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.” The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your lawyer…

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Old man and a punker

An old man was riding a bus when it pulled to stop for new riders. A punker got on with spiked, yellow-blue and green hair, earrings in the eyes, ears and nose, and tattoos all over his body. The only seat available was right across from the old man. The old man was staring at the punker and after a few minutes the punker hollered, ?Hey you old fart, what are you staring at?? He replied, ? I was in…

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