Time is time Jokes - page 142

Mechanical Wonders

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. “I’m afraid not, Sir,” the clerk told him, apologetically, “but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.” Skeptical, but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted 50 cents, stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine…

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Cynic’s Dictionary

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation. BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles. BULIMIA: Retched excess. CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence. CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses. CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work. DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one’s grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music. DNA:…

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The Letter

One day God was just sitting on his throne out of his mind bored. So he got one of his Saints, St.Paul. “Paul, go down to earth and count all of my people, and tell me how many are beautiful and how many are ugly.” It took St. Paul 365 days to complete this task. He went up to God and said,”99% of your people are UGLY and the remaining 1% of your people are BEAUTIFUL.” God said, “WHAT? ARE…

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Advantages of Breast Feeding

Michael, a pre-med student, preferred partying to studying and was not totally prepared for his mid-term exams. He stared at the last question worth 50%: NAME FOUR ADVANTAGES OF BREAST FEEDING 1. No need to buy formula. 2. Cats can’t steal it. 3. Available on demand. He was running out of time and need another advantage. Suddenly it hit him. 4. Comes in attractive containers.

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Turkey Shopping

A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, “Thank Heavens, I’ve made it in time! Have you a turkey?” The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 12 pounds. “Ah, haven’t you anything bigger?” the woman inquires. The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the…

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Death Prediction

Benny: “Now you take my grandpa, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.” Louie: “Wow, that’s incredible. How did he know all of that?” Benny: “A judge told him.”

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A Condition of Probation

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.” Monday, the two guys were in…

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You Know You’re Getting Older When…

You and your teeth don’t sleep together. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop, and you’re not eating cereal. Your back goes out but you stay home. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. When happy hour…

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Little Johnny’s Defense

Wednesday morning, Little Johnny comes into class late. The teacher called him to her desk and said, “Johnny, This is the third time you’ve been tardy this week.” Thinking of a punishment she says, “I want you to make a sentence out of these three words: defense, deduct, and detail.” So at recess Johnny comes back into the room and tells her that he’s done. He recites it to her: “De head of de duck goes over de fence before…

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You Know Your Getting Older When…

1. You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions. 2. You get winded playing checkers. 3. You need a fire permit to light all of the birthday candles and you need oxygen after blowing them out. 4. You order Geritol on the rocks. 5. You sink your teeth into a thick steak and they stay there. 6. You stop to think and sometimes forget to start again. 7. You don’t need an alarm clock to get up…

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