Time ice Jokes - page 25

How to Satisfy a Man

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive,…

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Some things to consider….

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy? Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now! If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? A hangover is…

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King Arthur & the Old Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur?s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the…

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10 things women will NEVER understand about Men:

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it’s annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do, wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they’ll…

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Twenty-two

Jack is walking past an insane asylum one day. As he gets closer to the fence, he hears a lot of voices chanting, “Twenty-two! Twenty-two!” This attracts Jacks curiosity, and it just so happened that at just that time, Jack came upon a knothole in the fence. He bent over, and as he peeked inside, a finger reached through the hole from the other side and poked him in the eye. He staggered backwards, and continued walking down the sidewalk.…

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Things Learned From Children

Things Learned from Children For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, think of this as birth control. 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house, 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.…

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The Monsignor and the Priest

A new priest saying mass for the first time was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor told him that he appeared nervous but that he had some advice for him. He told the new priest that he always puts a glass of vodka next to the water glass. ?If I get nervous I drink from that glass? the Monsignor told the priest. The following Sunday the priest…

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68 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clock to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing football; see how many people you can get to join in. 5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him, “I need some…

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It’s Tough To Be A Guy…

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity. If you mention how…

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