Time don Jokes - page 44

Blonde Traveler

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and charter a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top section of the bus available when they board. They decide to take turns riding in the top and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss. A couple of hours later, it’s…

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Student Bloopers: The World According to………..

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following “history” of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of…

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Pope and Purdue

One day Mr. Purdue comes up with this great idea for the Catholic Church. Immediately he makes plane reservations to go to Rome. When he gets into Rome he makes an appointment to see the Pope. When he sees the Pope he says this: “It is great to meet you, your Eminence, and I have a little proposition for you. See, I was in church the other day and I thought of a great idea. Purdue Chickens is ready to…

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Displeased Sultan

A sultan is bored with all the jugglers and clowns, so he warns his servant, “Unless you find some good entertainment for me tonight, it’s off with your head!” The man is terrified, but he vows he will not fail. Day turns to night, and it’s time for the show. “Well what have you got for me?” the sultan booms. “Tonight, Sire,” squeaks the servant, “we have a man who will make love to a dozen women before your very…

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The Amazing Goldstein!

A traveling salesman visits to a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, “Don’t miss the Amazing Goldstein!” Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts. Animals, clowns, contortionists, and other questionable acts. Finally the trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There in the middle of the ring is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely…

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Little Known Facts

Did you know that.. The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room it will eventually turn white. The names of all the continents start with the same letter that they end with. If the population of China walked past you in…

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Real Quotes from Star Wars

(Except the word ‘panties’ has been substituted.) A tremor in the panties. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master. You are unwise to lower your panties. We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those panties, up or down. She must have hidden the plans in her panties. These panties may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts. I find your lack of panties disturbing. These…

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FRAUD ALERT!

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS! If you get an envelope from a company called “Internal Revenue Service,” DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various other corporations which depend on subsidies to…

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The Ten C’s of Internet Using

1. Connection – Heh… what connection? 2. Complicated – Once you finally connect to the Internet (see #1), the thing that they don’t tell you when you get the Internet is how impossible it is to use if you have never used it before. They all think it is sooo easy, and I probably would think it was easy too if I programmed it. If you are dedicated enough to actually try to figure it out, that is close to…

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Coffee Is Better

Listed below are overwhelming reasons that coffee is better than a woman: 1. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning. 2. You won’t get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM. 3. You won’t fall asleep after a cup of coffee. 4. You can always warm coffee up. 5. You can take black coffee home to your parents. 6. You can make coffee as sweet as you want. 7. You can smoke while drinking coffee. 8. Coffee smells…

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