Th th Jokes - page 89

Definitions for the nineties

Keep This near your desk at work so you can translate what is REALLY being said to you. 1) Politically Correct- saying something, without actually saying it so that anyone that hears you isn’t sure what was said nor can they repeat to anyone else to incriminate you. 2) Abrasive- the opposite of being p.c. (politically correct). 3) Heads up- I heard the rumor before you. 4) Challenged – Fucked. (example, “I want to Challenge you….) 5) Mentally Challenged- mentally…

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Sayings that should be on BUTTONS

01. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 02. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 03. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 04. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth. 05. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after. 06. Do I look like a fricking people person? 07. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. 08. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 09.…

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Find the Spot

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?” After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

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Reasons why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy. 6. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last nine months. 4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you’re kinky. 3. It doesn’t matter if kids hear…

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The Old Couple goes to the Doc

This old man in his eighty’s got up and was putting on his coat. His wife say, “Where are you going?” He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.” She says, “Why, are you sick?” “No” he responds, “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.” So his wife gets up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he says, “Where are you going?” She says, “I’m going to the doctor too!” “Why?” he…

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The Chili Contest

Just recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my community to be a judge at a chili cookoff because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy,…

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kids’ books that never quite made circulation

Children’s books that never quite made it into circulation “You Are Different and That’s Bad” “Dad’s New Wife Timothy” “Pop! Goes The Hamster….And Other Great Microwave Games” “Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets” “The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad” “Babar Meets the Taxidermist” “Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence” “The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables” “Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom’s Purse” “The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy” “Things…

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At the Vet

Two dogs, a poodle and a Great Dane, were waiting in their cages at the vet’s office. The poodle was very nervous and started a conversation with the Great Dane by saying, “Boy, did I screw up yesterday.” His neighbor, being sympathetic, asked what happened. The poodle explained, “My owner is a very religious lady who recently became engaged to the choir director of her church. His family came over to meet me. I don’t know what it was about…

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Three Red Lights

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light”. After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again and…

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Read JokeThree Red Lights