Th th Jokes - page 566

Walking Out

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.” “I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied. “It’s not a reflection on you,” insisted the church goer. “Ralph has been been walking in his sleep since childhood.”

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Clinton’s Whiskey and Soda

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, “Ma’am, I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!” The President then handed his drink…

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True Confessions

“I have to tell you the truth,” a young man said to his new girlfriend. “While we’ve been dating, I’ve been secretly seeing a psychiatrist.” “Don’t worry about it,” the girl told him. “I’ve been secretly seeing a computer programmer and a lawyer.”

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lying blonde

A professor had this lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting on it would tell a lie, the chair would open up and the person would fall flat on the ground. So in his experimentation a young brunette came in and sat down. The professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, “I think I’m the most beautiful girl in this region, and perhaps even in the whole world!” Immediately after saying that the chair opened up and she landed…

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Rookie Pitcher

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. “I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the young southpaw. “You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game.” “When is that?” asked the kid. “Right after the National Anthem.”

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I Appeal!

Philip II, king of Macedonia, like Alexander the Great, had the reputation of being a heavy drinker. Once when drunk he gave an unjust verdict in the case of a woman who was being tried before him. “I appeal!” cried the unfortunate litigant. “To whom?” asked the monarch, who was also the highest tribunal in the land. “From Philip drunk to Philip sober,” was the bold reply. The king, somewhat taken back, gave the case further consideration.

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New Secretary

A guy walked into his friend’s office and found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. “Hey, what’s up with you?”, he asks. “Oh, it’s my wife”, replied the man sadly. “She’s hired a new secretary for me.” “Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?” “Neither, he’s bald.”

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TWO IRISH MEN AND A BLONDE

There were two Irish men and a blonde walking in the jungle and they came across a man who told them they could have any one thing and would be thrown in a hole for ten years with a ten year supply of that one thing. So the first Irish man asked for a ten year supply of Irish whisky and was thrown in a hole. The second Irish man asked for a ten year supply of Irish whisky too…

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GASH

Ralph, feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests. After the lengthy exam, he wakes up hungry and quite groggy. Ralph looks about, noticing that he is now in a private room at the hospital. Just then the phone by his bed rings… “This is your doctor,” said the serious voice. “We just got the results back from your battery of tests. Obviously, you have lead a very promiscuous life.”…

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