Th th Jokes - page 143

Right in the heart

An 87 year old lady was going through some tough times and was very discouraged and depressed. She decided she did not want to live anymore and contemplated the different methods of suicide. Finally, she decided that shooting herself directly into the heart would be her best chance of success. Since she wanted precise accuracy, she called her family Doctor and under the pretext of just wanting to learn more about her heart asked him to tell her the exact…

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Will the REAL media please stand up!

Although the today’s joke was submitted “anonymously”, we at Comedy.com suspect that Bill O’Riely may have submitted it. If so, thanks Bill! Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog’s collar and twisted it, breaking the dog’s neck. A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview…

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IRS Agent at the Bank

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell are you doing?” “Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!” “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the…

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Quote of the Day

Women’s Quote of the Day: “Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something that you’d like to have dinner with.” Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day: “Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you…

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Christmas Gift for The Mailman

It was a week before Christmas and the mailman was delivering the mail to Mrs. O’Brien’s house. When the mailman got to the door, Mrs. O’Brien asked the mailman to come into the house for his Christmas present. She took him to her bedroom and they did the nasty between the sheets. After the event, the mailman got dressed and was ready to leave. Mrs. O’Brien said, “Oh by the way, here is a dollar for you.” The mailman was…

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Rules that guys wished girls knew

* If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. * Learn to work the toilet seat. When the lid is up, put it down. * Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to find that perfect present….again. * If you ask a question you don’t want an answered, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. * Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it. * Sunday sports — it’s like the full moon, or the…

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This Place is Bugged

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned and says, “What if this place is still bugged?” The groom says, “I’ll look for a bug.” He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. Finally, he says, “AHA!” Under the rug is a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager…

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The Barstool

Three blondes go to a bar. There is one barstool left, and no tables. They all want to sit together, but again, there is only one barstool. Question: How can they all still sit together? Blonde Answer: Turn the barstool upside down, and sit on the stool legs.

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Next 2.U. on the Subway

TEN simple indications that the person next to you on the subway is “Nuts”. (A Luis G. Moreno original) 10.The guy next to you points out a location on the subway map with his toes. 9.The lady next to you makes “chomping” noises with her teeth at everyone, indicating that she wants some gum. 8.The person next to you repeatedly sits and stands on the seat beside you claiming, “I’m ..not…..NUTS!…I’m ..not ….NUTS!” 7.The lady next to you looks at…

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