Ss Jokes - page 233

New Lawyer

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As…

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HUNTING

There were these three guys. An American, a Hispanic, and a Russian. They decided to go hunting. The American went out in the morning and came back with a 10 point buck. The Hispanic asked, “How did you get the deer?” The American answered,” I followed the tracks and boom boom I got this deer. So, the Hispanic went out the following morning and came back to camp with a 14 point buck. The Russian asked, “How did you get…

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Tailspin.. .

Cindy Crawford, Ivana Trump, and Whoopi Goldberg are on a plane. The Announcement system clicks to life and the voice of the captain rings through the cabin… “Ladies and gentilemen, I am afaraid the plane has just had a major mechanical failure, and is going to crash. There are only enough parachutes for the crew and myself, and we have already used them – – This is a recording.” Everyone on the plane begins to panic! People are yelling and…

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Gender Differences

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item that he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future … until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man,…

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The Memory Man

A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” said the foreigner. “That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won’t know…

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contagious condition

This woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was the problem she responded, “Well, whenever I take off my clothes my nipples get hard.” Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath then asked, “Your nipples get hard?” “Yes,” quite innocently came her reply. “Undress so I can check,” replied the still amazed doc. So she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time the doctor, still looked…

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What’s Your Fee?

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life. As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanks the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. “Just name the fee,” he croaked, gratefully. “Okay,” replied the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have offered…

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State Mottos

Little known state mottos: Alabama: “Segregation now, Segregation Forever!” Alaska: “Land of 11,623 drunken Eskimos” Arizona: “It’s not the heat….” Arkansas: “Litterasy Ain’t Everything” California: “Land of the ‘Quakers’.” Colorado: “If you don’t ski, don’t come.” Connecticut: “Home of the ‘term life’ policy.” Delaware: “Home of prison floggings and an age 7 ‘consent law’.” Florida: “Ask Us About Our Grandkids.” Georgia: “Going to church? Bring your own snake.” Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (“If you’ve got the money,…

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the blonde

A blonde was on a plane that was going to France and she was in first class but had a ticket for coach, so a stewerdess tells her to move to coach but she doesnt. Then another stewerdess told her to move to coach. Again she said no. Then the pilot whispered in her ear and the blonde moved. The stewerdess asked how he had gotten her to move, and he said he told her that the front of the…

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Give Clear Directions

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I had left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand getting the car started. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric, oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push me fast enough to start it. I pointed out that…

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