Sid Jokes - page 38

Women…

What’s the difference between a woman on the back porch, screaming and bitching, and a dog on the front porch barking and yapping? The dog shuts up when you bring it inside.

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Government Employees

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep, then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind,…

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Moving

A guy has a friend who just moved his business. He decided to get a nice bouquet of flowers for his friend as a gift. He called the flower shop, they took his order, and he thought everything was great. Two weeks later, this guy gets an invitation to come to his friend’s open house, celebrating the new location. This fellow goes to the open house and it is packed. Instead of trying to find his friend immediately, the guy…

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the piano

Man walks into a bar. This man is carring a big, black, briefcase type of bag. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. He removes a thimble from his pocket, pours a little of his drink in this thimble, and puts the thimble inside the bag. Bartender gets a little nosey, and asks what’s in the bag. Man holds up his finger as if to say “wait”, and begins to open the case at the top. He…

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Golf Widower

A golfer was taken to the police station for questioning. “Mr. Smith, I am Detective O’Reilly. Would you mind telling me what happened out there?” “We were on the 1st hole. Dorothy went up to the women’s tee while I prepared to hit. I carefully gauged my swing and let one rip. It was a beautiful low liner but it had a slight hook. It struck Dorothy smack dab in the back of her head. I took off running but…

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Corporate Buzzwords for 2000

Corporate Buzzwords for 2000 Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. Cube Farm:…

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Car name acronyms

ACURA -Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile AMC -All Makes Combined AMC -A Major Cost AMC -A Mutated Car AMC -A Moron’s Car AMC -Another Major Catastrophe AUDI -Accelerates Under Demonic Influence AUDI -All Unsafe Designs Implemented AUDI -Another Ugly Duetsche Invention AUDI -Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence AUDI -Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc. BMW -Babbling Mechanical Wench BMW -Beastly Monsterous Wonder BMW -Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels BMW -Beautiful Mechanical Wonder BMW -Barely Moving Wreck BMW -Big Money Waste BMW -Big Money. Why?…

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The Titanic!! (sort of)

On a cruise ship touring the Mediterranean, there was a magician who would perform a cabaret act every night in the ship’s bar. Now, also in that bar, there was a parrot, who from his vantage point near the ceiling could see exactly how each trick was done. Every night was the same. Everytime he performed a trick the parrot would yell to the audience how the trick was done: “It’s up his sleeve!” or “Look under the table!” The…

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28 things guys wish girls knew

28 Things Guys Wish Girls Knew 1.. We’re not as big of perverts as you think we all are. 2.. No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole 3.. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too. 4.. Don’t argue with us when we call you beautiful. 5.. Don’t treat us like crap, what goes around comes around. 6.. We know you’re pretty, that’s one of the reason’s we’re going out with you. 7.. Don’t…

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Crisis At The White House

A senior White House aide walked into the Oval Office to find all the president’s men standing around looking so worried and President Bill Clinton was not around. So the senior aide walked over to the Chief of Staff to ask what was the matter. The Chief of Staff sighed and said, “Today’s been nothing but bad news and worse news!” “What’s the bad news?” asked the senior aide. “Well, both India and Pakistan exploded their tenth atomic bomb turning…

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