Sid Jokes - page 104

How to screw up an interview

We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for tories of unusual behavior by job applicants. ************************************** The lowlights: ************** 1. “… stretched out…

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Are You Ready to Have Children?

Mess Test :Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fishstick behind the TV and leave it there all summer. Toy Test: Buy a 55-gallon drum of Lego. (If Lego’s are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks.) Have a friend spread them all over the house and stairways. Put on a blindfold and remove your shoes and socks. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake the child at night.…

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Tommy and the Teacher

One day in school, Tommy’s teacher asked him some questions. “Tommy, do you see the green grass outside?” “Yes” Tommy said. “Do you see the tree outside?” “Yes.” “Now go outside. Then look up and see if you see the sky.” Tommy went outside, and looked up. He came back inside and the teacher continued to ask questions. “Tommy, did you see the sky?” “Yes.” “Did you see God?” “No.” “Then therefore God does not exist, right?” A little girl…

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Rabbis go to Mass

At a Mass at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to become nuns, the presiding Bishop noticed two Rabbis enter the church just before the service began. They insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The Bishop wondered why they had come, but he didn’t have time to inquire before the Mass began. When it came time for the announcements, the Bishop’s curiosity got the better of him. He welcomed the two…

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One step ahead

Two Yankees are speeding down a Texas highway when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper comes over and bangs on the window with his nightstick and when the driver rolls the window down, the trooper whacks him across the head with the stick. “What did you do that for?” asks the driver. “You’re in Texas boy and when I come to the window, you have your license and registration ready for me!” “Yes, Sir!” After they…

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Who’s Having Fun?

Clifton Fadiman had occasion to visit the kindergarten class of a highly progressive school attended by his son, Jonathan. The children were engaged in “rhythmic play,” where they were following the lead of their teacher, an energetic young woman, who danced about the room clapping her hands in time to the music of a record player. The docile pupils staggled behind her in ragged fashion. Later Fadiman drew his son aside and said, “I guess you have lots of fun…

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Batty

Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One bat feels rather hungry. “Let’s go and find some blood,” he suggests. “I don’t think you can get any blood at this time of day,” says the other bat. “Well, I want blood and I want it now!” he says and prepares to take off. “Are you coming with me or not?” “Don’t be stupid, you’ll just waste your time”, says the second bat. The first bat flies away.…

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The Barstool

Three blondes go to a bar. There is one barstool left, and no tables. They all want to sit together, but again, there is only one barstool. Question: How can they all still sit together? Blonde Answer: Turn the barstool upside down, and sit on the stool legs.

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Whatever You Want

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, Ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.” Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, “That isn’t true, Ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.” The lady looked at him,…

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Next 2.U. on the Subway

TEN simple indications that the person next to you on the subway is “Nuts”. (A Luis G. Moreno original) 10.The guy next to you points out a location on the subway map with his toes. 9.The lady next to you makes “chomping” noises with her teeth at everyone, indicating that she wants some gum. 8.The person next to you repeatedly sits and stands on the seat beside you claiming, “I’m ..not…..NUTS!…I’m ..not ….NUTS!” 7.The lady next to you looks at…

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