Scream Jokes - page 9

A Force of Habit

A woman goes into a discount store and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she has bought the day before because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she has bought it on special. The woman insists she is entitled to a refund. The clerk, not knowing what to do, goes to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the woman and asks if he can…

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toothpicks??

Two beavers are eating steaks at a local steak house, when one beaver says, “Hey where are the toothpicks?” The other beaver screams… “Toothpicks??? I thought they were appetizers!!!”

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Doctor’s Office

Herman is walking up to a doctor’s office when a nun comes running out screaming. Herman walks in and says, “What’s with the nun?” The doctor says, “I just told her that she’s pregnant.” Herman says, “The nun is pregnant?” The doctor says, “No, but it certainly cured her hiccups.”

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2 gay guys have a baby

There are these two gay guys and they really want to have a baby together, so they go out looking and finally find a woman to bear their child for them… well after the baby’s born they go to the nursery where they keep the newborns and all the babies are screaming!! …but then they see one little boy off to the side and he’s really calm. They say, “Well that must be ours, he’s just so precious!” they then…

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Golf

A lady and a friend were playing golf at a resort. The lady hits her golfball and a little while after hears a scream. She runs towards the scream and finds a man lying on the floor, holding his crutch. The woman exclaims, “oh my, I’m so sorry, please, i am a physiotherapist, let me massage it and it will feel better.” The man replies that it is fine. The women insists and sticks her hands down his pants and…

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Lil’ Johnny’s Thanksgiving

Lil’ Johnny’s parents were fighting. There were screaming, crying, and cussing. Johnny’s mom called his dad a bastard. Johnny’s dad called his mom a bitch. Finally, they broke it up and apologized, although both of them were still a little steamed. His dad went upstairs to the bathroom. His mom stayed in the kitchen to cook the turkey. Lil’ Johnny went upstairs to the bathroom. His father was in there shaving. He asked his dad: “Dad, what does bitch mean?”…

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The Falcons

A really mean farmer from Georgia had just died, and he had just entered Hell. The devil sensed that he was a real jerk so he decided to torture him a bit. “Okay, Mr. Farmer… I’m gonna let you sit here in this room for a while all by yourself. So, see ya!” The devil said and left the room. He turned the tempurature up to about 100 degrees. The next day the Devil came in to the room and…

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The Silent Air Trip

A man and his wife always loved to go on the helicopter rides at the carnival, but they didn’t like the $10.00 per ride. So the man started negotiating with the pilot. Finally, the pilot agreed to let them fly for free ONLY if they could last the entire flight without making a single sound. So the helicopter took off. The pilot tried swerving and sudden stops, even 360 spins, but the whole time, he didn’t hear a peep out…

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Gates of Hell…

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God…. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.” Bill replied,…

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Tragedy!!

NEW YORK–Tragedy struck at a popular Manhattan nightclub Saturday, when the roof of “The Tunnel” caught fire, collapsing and killing 43 party people. According to fire-department officials, the death toll was exacerbated by the clubgoers’ unwillingness to evacuate the burning building. “I tried shouting to the people on the dance floor that the roof was on fire and that they should exit the premises immediately, but they seemed unfazed by the danger,” firefighter Michael Pitti said. “I just kept shouting,…

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