Ra ra ra Jokes - page 307

Can You Read Their Minds?

Looking at a recent photograph of the First Family and their dog Buddy posing on the White House lawn, I couldn’t help but imagine what they were thinking of when that picture was taken. Looking at Hillary Rodham Clinton’s serious, half-smiling expression, I imagined her thinking, “I wonder where I can get hold of Lorena Bobbitt’s phone number.” Looking at daughter Chelsea’s smiling face with a knowing expression, I imagined this thought going through her mind, “Now I know why…

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14 signs your Kitty wants you dead

14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey’s 900 number on your bill. 12. You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch. 11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 10. You wake up to find a bird’s head in your bed. 09. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. 08. Droppings in litter box spell…

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A Sweed in Chinatown

I was in Chinatown just the other day; walking around trying to find an ATM. Needless to say, I was utterly lost and all those signs around me in foreign languages were of no help. On top of everything, I was hurrying to escape the suffocating, foreign odors emanating from the numerous restaurants and alleys. I turned a corner hoping to catch a breath of fresh air when my eyes sighted a store sign that read “Hans Olafsen Laundry.” How…

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Wisdom of Solomon

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble that they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom, decreed, “I’ll hear from everyone, starting with the oldest first.” The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

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Golfing Challenge

A young man, who was an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say “No,” he allowed the old gent to join him. To his pleasant…

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Moving

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman, evidently a blonde, who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, “Look, I’m not stupid or anything, just tell me what state it’s in…”

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The religious horse

A man buys a horse and is unable to get it to move. He kicked it, yelled giddy up, but to no avail. He goes back to the seller and voices his displeasure. The seller says, “I’m terribly sorry. I forgot to tell you that this is a religious horse and to get it to run you have to say ‘Jesus Christ’ and to get it to stop you have to say ‘Amen’.” So, knowing this the new owner goes…

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If You Don’t Know Heimlich …

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!” A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy’s nuts, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. “Thank…

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Read JokeIf You Don’t Know Heimlich …