Ra ra ra Jokes - page 158

Small-town Newspaper

A young reporter for a small-town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor: “Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts.” The editor scolded the new reporter, saying, “This is a family paper. We don’t use words like ‘breasts’ around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate.” The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally,…

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Don’t Stop that Thief!

A lady was exercising her dog in the park. A scumbag on a bicycle came up behind her and grabbed the carrier bag from her hand. Pedaling furiously into the distance with his prize, he was not aware of the lady rolling on the grass in fits of laughter. Like the good citizen that she was, she had been using the plastic bag to collect her dog’s poop.

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Dirty Mary

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor. “Do you wash?” the doc asked the rank young girl. “Oh, yes,” Mary answered. “Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then, I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible.” “Well, then,” the doc concluded, “go home and wash possible.”

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Yo Mama (New Snaps)

Yo Mama so fat, she plays basketball like this: Through the Big Dipper — nothing but net. Yo Mama so hairy, when you were born you popped out with CARPET-BURNS. Yo Mama so old, when God said let there be light, she threw the firecracker.

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The Divine Advantage

One day God, Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf. Jesus and Moses have both hit respectable 250+ yard drives on a par 4 with abundant water hazards. God takes his hit; lots of power in the stroke but he hooks badly, and the ball soars toward a deep pond. As it hits the surface, a trout rises beneath it to take a fly; the ball bounces off its head and deflects into the rough. A rabbit which…

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Wrong place

There was an old miser who was close to death. While on his deathbed, he gathered his family around to tell them his last requests. “I want one of you to take all my money and put it in a box in the attic. That way, when I die, I can take it to heaven with me.” A couple of days later, the miser died. After the funeral, the family once again gathered at the house. The widow went up…

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Oops!

Zack volunteered for military service during WWII. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola, skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros. Then, climbing up…

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Gore, not Fore!

A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida, which will replace the traditional call of “FORE.” Once a player has hit an errant shot, he will be allowed to call “GORE,” while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again. The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first…

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