Ow Jokes - page 416

Advice From Men To Women

GENERAL DISCLAIMER FOR ANY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAPPEN UPON A COPY OF THIS: 1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location. 2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing. 3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better…

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The Executive, The Bartender and The Cellphone

A high level executive sits at a local bar one night and orders a drink. Out of the corner of his eye, the bartender notices the man speaking in to the palm of his hand, as if he were giving orders to a secretary. “Who were you talking to?” the bartender asks the executive, thinking the man was having a breakdown. The executive stretches out his left hand and shows the bartender a cellphone keyboard encrusted into his left hand.…

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Cheapskate Airlines

A group of businessmen decided to start Cheapskate Airlines. After talking it over, they offered three classes of travel. In first class, they show a movie and serve steak and lobster. In coach class, they show slides and give you a chicken dinner. In the “NO FRILLS!” section, they pass around a picture of a peanut butter sandwich.

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Read JokeCheapskate Airlines

Elephant’s Tail

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, “Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant? “That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,” she replied. “No, not that.” “Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.” “No, Mom. Down underneath.” His mother blushed and said, “Oh, that’s nothing.” Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off…

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Read between the lines

John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers. 1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended 6. measures to complete his work, sometimes…

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Extra Scene in EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

I just heard there’s going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year! Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1… The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition ———————————————– INT: BESPIN GANTRY – MOMENTS LATER: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry.…

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Read JokeExtra Scene in EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

Sand…..Again?

Kelvin comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Sand,” answered Kelvin. The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Kelvin overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but…

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post office

we recently had a birthday party for my son. He just turned 10. You know, that first boy/girl party. So the kids played post office. It was horrible… 4 kids were shot.

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Read Jokepost office