Ow Jokes - page 294

Email Wonderland

WELCOME TO THE E-MAIL WONDERLAND (Sing to the tune of Walking In A Winter Wonderland) Another “ping”, Are you listenin’? The puter screen, Is a glistenin’. With icons so bright, They light up the night, Welcome to the e-mail wonderland! Gone away, Are the hall talks. Here to stay, Is the IN-BOX. Flagged “urgent, please read!”, And “answer with speed!”. Welcome to the e-mail wonderland! In the morning e-mails start to add up. No lunch today cause messages abound. Just…

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God commissions St. Peter

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. “Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?” God asked. “I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There’s drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it. A regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex.…

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Get ‘em outta here!

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together. “Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter. “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those rare coincidences that happen. Since we we’re not expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready. We can’t take you in, and we can’t send you back” Then he got an idea. He…

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Read JokeGet ‘em outta here!

3 women in Nasa

There are 3 women at an interview for NASA, a blonde a brunet and a redhead. First, the brunet goes in and the man asks her, “If you could go to any planet, where would you go and why?” She answers, “Saturn so I could see the rings.” Next comes the redhead and is asked the same quetion. She replies, “Jupiter, because I love the color red!” Finally the blonde comes in and is also asked the same question. She…

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Country doctor

A troupe of traveling actors had taken the long bus ride from Pittsburgh to Detroit where they were scheduled to perform Hamlet that night. Derek Drake, the handsome leading man, must have been sitting in a draft because when they arrived in Detroit just six hours before the Sunday night performance, he had a scratchy throat and laryngitis. Tracy Towers, the troupe’s leading lady, frantically began phoning doctors listed in the yellow pages, but all she got were answering machines.…

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Different Wake-Up System

Here’s a little tip from an experienced traveler. A wake-up call is the worst way to wake up. The phone rings; it’s so loud; you can’t turn it down. So leave the number of the room next to you. Then you’ll hear a muffled ring, and you hear a guy yell, “What are you calling ME for?” Then you get up and take a shower. It’s great!

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A Trip to the Golden Arches

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here!” The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle. “And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands. “Oh, nothing really, I just realized how dumb you are. You came here for the…

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TV blonde

A blonde went into a department store and asked the salesman if she could buy the t.v on display. The salesman replied, “No we don’t sell to blondes!” The next day she wore a brown wig and again asked, “Can I buy that tv.” “No we dont sell to blondes!” “HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS A BLONDE?” “Because that is a microwave.”

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Cat Commandments

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem. Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem. Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll. Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as though thou are transparent. Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator. Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy…

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