Ow Jokes - page 285

You may be a net addict if…

1.)Your dog has his own webpage… 2.)You refer to your friends by their internet names instead of their real ones… 3.)Half of your friends you’ve never met in person…. 4.)You use abbreviations like LOL and SMP in normal conversation… 5.)Your real mail box hasn’t been open months while you check you e-mail once every 15 minutes… 6.)The computer chair has the imprint of your butt in it… 7.)Due to your eyes being constantly bloodshot, others you know think you have…

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NUTS

Miss Thelma McDonald, a sweet little old lady, got a great deal of pleasure out of feeding the squirrels in her back yard. There seemed to be a female and a male, whom she named Bonnie and Clyde, and several smaller squirrels whom she assumed were their children. Every morning she would leave mixed nuts under her beautiful sycamore and watch her furry little friends come for breakfast. Her next door neighbor, old Mr. Curdy, did not enjoy the squirrels.…

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DAMN FISH

Alright this father and son are going fishing at a dam. So, they’re fishing and the father gets a bite. He reels it in and says, “YEA! I caught a dam fish.” The boy just looks at his father strangely. The father then says, “We will eat this for dinner.” Well, dinner rolls around and the father says, “Son pass me the dam fish.” So the son passes him the fish and then replies, “Dad, now you pass me the…

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Wildwife

One night an elderly woman decided to spice up her love life. She rented a cape and mask to surprise her husband. She waited until her husband was settled in watching TV for the evening in the bedroom. Suddenly she burst out of the bathroom and wearing only her rented outfit she yelled… “SUPER PUSSY!!” The elderly gentleman slowly turned his head and said… “I’ll have the soup.”

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Wife’s Gift

A man wanted to give his wife a pet for her birthday so he went into a pet store and asked for something different. Then he saw something really different: a skunk. Well, he bought it and gave it to his wife. She looked at her husband and said, “Are you crazy? What do you think I am going to do with this?” Becoming mad that she didn’t like his gift to her, he replied, “I don’t care, grow yourself…

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Happy Announcement

The blonde had been married about a year when one day she came running up to her husband, jumping for joy. Not knowing exactly how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. “Why are we so happy?” he asked. “Honey, I have some really great news for you!” she said. “Great!” he said. “Tell me what you’re so happy about.” She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. “I’m pregnant!”…

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Dancin’ At The Disco

Once upon a time, Sam The Clam and Myrtle The Turtle fell in love. Sam Clam, as Myrtle would call him, owned a discotheque and every night both would dance and dance until the wee hours of the morning. One early evening, tragedy struck and Myrtle The Turtle passed away and went to heaven. When she arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter gave her the customary angel’s wings, a halo, and a harp, and evaluated her life. “Myrtle, you…

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Walking on Water

Jerry had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and even his great-grandfather had all “walked on water” on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend, Brian, headed out to the lake. “If THEY could do it, so can I!” Jerry told Brian. Jerry and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat. They paddled out to the middle. Jerry stepped off the side of the boat…and almost drowned! Furious, he had…

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Special of the Day

A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the day is chili. When the waitress comes to take his order he says, “I would like a bowl of chili.” “I’m sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl,” says the waitress. “I’ll just have coffee then,” the man says. After a while, he notices that the guy next to him is finishing a rather large meal and the chili is still there.…

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Penetanguishene

Two blondes were vacationing in Ontario, Canada when they drove past a roadsign which said PENETANGUISHENE 30 km. They argued for the next twenty minutes about how to pronounce Penetanguishene when the driver said to her friend, “You’re just an ignorant slut, Candy.” And Candy replied “And you’re just a stubborn donkey-fucker, Gloria.” And Candy said, “Let’s have lunch.” So, inside the restaurant, Gloria said to the guy behind the counter, “Hey, Sport, do us a favor and pronounce where…

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