Ow Jokes - page 195

A Force of Habit

A woman goes into a discount store and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she has bought the day before because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she has bought it on special. The woman insists she is entitled to a refund. The clerk, not knowing what to do, goes to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the woman and asks if he can…

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Bad Day

A man walks into a bar and orders a Triple Vodka. The bartender says, “you musta had a bad day.” The man says, “yeah, I just found out my younger brother is gay.” The man walks into the bar the next day and orders a Triple Vodka again. The bartender says, “Wow, another bad day.” The man says, “Yeah, I just found out my older brother is gay!” The same man walks into the bar and orders another Triple Vodka.…

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Not Looking Good

There was a man selling a horse, and beside that there was a bench. One day there were 2 girls sitting on the bench and the man said, “Do you want to buy my horse? He’s a very good horse but he don’t look so good,” the girls refused to buy the horse. A few days later a boy was sitting on the bench and he said, “Do you want to buy my horse? He’s a very good horse, but…

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Child Support….

Father: “When you go back to your Mom’s tonight, give her this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST check she’ll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face.” Daughter: “OK.” Later…. Daughter: “Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I’m now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he’ll ever have to make to…

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Dr. Doolittle

A ventriloquist was driving through the country one day when his car broke down. He walked for a few miles and ended up at a farm. The farmer was very helpful, and called AAA. While the ventriloquist was waiting for AAA, he decided to have a little fun. “Nice horses”, he said to the farmer, “Can I talk to them?” The farmer said, “You city slicker! Them horses don’t talk!”. The ventriloquist said, “Let me try anyway. Hi horses! How…

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A True Marine

A wounded Marine limps into the bar and tells the bartender, “Give me a gin & tonic, a scotch & soda, a rum & coke and a Heineken.” The bartender looks a bit puzzled but, nonetheless, serves him his order. The Marine downs all four drinks, pays his tab and leaves. This goes on for a full week when the Marine enters again and orders up the usual. The bartender finally speaks up and says, “My God, man, I’ve seen…

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Car Problems

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting…

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Wishes Granted

A couple had been married for 35 years, and the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish. The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand. Then it was the husband’s turn. He paused…

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Old Couple

It was this old couple’s aniversary. The old man was in bed reading the newspaper when his wife said, “How do you like my suit?” Her husband replies, “What suit?” She says, “My EVE suit!” He looks at her and says, “I think you forgot to iron it, it’s wrinkled.”

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