Ow Jokes - page 154

Addressing Superiors

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but needed change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base’s corridor floors and asked him, “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?” Private Duncan replied, “Sure.” The Corporal turned red, and said, “That’s no way to address a superior office! Now let’s try it again. ‘Private, do you have change for a dollar?’” Private Duncan replied, “No, SIR!”

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Confusion

It’s a sunny afternoon on a summer day. A blonde is seen in front of K-Mart in a shopping mall. She is visibly flustered and sweating profusely. People in the stores have been watching her in almost the same place for hours. Every now and then she’s been asking shoppers – ‘Could you tell me the time please?’ She hears the answer and mutters – ‘How can this happen?’ Finally she meets a kind old lady and asks her the…

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Two outta three ain’t bad!

Bill Clinton and the Pope both die on the same day. Clinton goes to heaven and the Pope goes to hell. Upon their arrivals at their respectful destinations the Pope begins to argue with Satan that there must have been a mistake. After checking the computer the devil comes back and tells the Pope that there was a mistake and that he should get on the UP escalator as soon as a replacement can be found in heaven. Shortly thereafter…

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an old man’s sex life

This old man of eighty years goes to the doctor and says, “You know, doc, when I was twenty and got a hard on I could push on it with both hands and I couldn’t even bend it… When I was thirty and got a hard on I could push on it with both hands and I could just barely bend it…. Now that I’m eighty and occasionally I get hard I can push on it with only one hand…

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easy rent money

Fred knocks on his friends door. The wife answers and he asks, “Is John home?” She says, “No, but come on in and wait, he should be home anytime.” She offers him a beer and after about 3 beers, John still hasn’t shown up yet. Fred says, “Hey I’ll give ya a $100 if I can see one of your tits.” Well, she thinks, “Boy that would help with the rent. So she pulls up her shirt and flashes him…

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Dead Rooster

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when, out into the road, strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car with a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and knocked on the door. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously, said, “I think I just killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him.” “Suit yerself,” he replied. “The hens are ’round back.”

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THE MEN’S ROOM…

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not. CROSSEYES: Looks into next urinal to see how other guy is hung. TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is wastching, flushes urinal, comes back later. INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink. CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor. FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down, and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug. WORRIED:…

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blonde Q & A

Q: What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A: goes home Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing in a row? A: a wind tunnel

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Car Crash Incident

One poor old fellow is driving along one day and has a really bad car accident… he wakes up in hospital and can only see out of one eye… the doctor looks at him and say “I’m sorry, but we had to replace one of your eyes… with a rounded piece of rimu tree” So when he gets out of hospital his mate comes round and tries to cheer him up by taking him to the bar. When they get…

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