Ow Jokes - page 118

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John’s wife died the same day that Joe’s boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, “I am sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.” Joe, thinking that she was talking about the boat, said, “Heck no, in fact, I’m sort of glad to…

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A customer asked the waitress what the daily special was. She replied, “Boiled tongue.” “BOILED TONGUE!” responded the horrified customer. “There is certainly no way that I would ever eat anything that came out of a cow’s mouth! That’s disgusting!! Give me three fried eggs, instead!

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A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse, with a hand-lettered “For Sale” sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a “new light fixture here and a little paint there” would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the…

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A group of four engineers and a group of four accountants were all waiting in line to buy tickets for the train going to New York, each group going to a different convention. Each of the accountants went to the window and bought a ticket. They noticed that only one of the engineers bought a ticket. They wondered how they were all going to ride on only one ticket. Everyone boarded the train, and all four engineers crowded into the…

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(Scene 1) KATE WINSLET: My, this is a fancy boat, isn’t it? KATE’S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes, it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named “Picasso.” I am certain he will amount to nothing. KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90’s audience, because they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat. LEONARDO DiCAPRIO: Hello, I’m Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to…

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There were two guys, Tom and John, sitting in a bar. Tom was inexperienced with women, while his friend John was a womanizer. They were just sitting there having their drinks when Tom noticed that there was a very attractive woman staring at him from across the bar. So he said, “John that pretty woman over there is staring at me what should I do?” John said, “Wink at her.” So Tom winks at her. After that the woman waves…

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A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, “BARK!!” and the cat runs away. “See?” says the mother mouse to her baby, “how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?”

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