One of those days Jokes - page 4

The House of Ill Repute

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute. They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the house. “Would ye look at that, Darby!” said Pat. “What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinnin’ in a house the likes of that place!” They both shook their heads and continued working. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted…

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Marital Bliss

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know…

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Top 25 Signs That You’ve Already Grown Up

Top 25 Signs That You’ve Already Grown Up 1. Your potted plants stay alive. 2. Fooling around in a twin sized bed is absurd. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. 8. You…

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Interesting Facts (again)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps outward to squirt blood 30 feet. A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (Lucky Pig!) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!) Humans, whales and dolphins are the only species that have sex for…

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Get ‘em outta here!

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together. “Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter. “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those rare coincidences that happen. Since we we’re not expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready. We can’t take you in, and we can’t send you back” Then he got an idea. He…

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Good Train Manners

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving”. The mother…

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What Men Really Mean

“I’m going fishing.” Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.” “Let’s take your car.” Really means…. “Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.” “Woman driver.” Really means…. “Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.” “I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”…

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Lenin In Poland

During the glorious days of communism, to commemorate the visit of the Soviet President Andropov to Poland, the head of the Polish Communist Party commissioned a popular Warsaw artist for an oil painting celebrating the historical visit of Lenin to Poland. The piece was to be entitled “Lenin In Poland.” Now this artist hated the Poland Communist Party and therefore also detested Lenin more so but since the pay was lucrative, he decided to accept the commission. Since there was…

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How to respond to e-mail ads….

You know those “special offers” that “you would be CRAZY to turn down”? Here’s how you might wish to respond to them: —————————————- To Whom It May Concern: Thank you for your recent e-mail to me. It was good hearing from you and reading your advertisement As information, I am a reasonably healthy male, over 40 years of age. If you sent me the ad/offer regarding how I may “enlarge my breasts,” I think I’ll pass, if you don’t mind.…

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