One man Jokes - page 82

Rabbi’s Bike

There was a Rabbi that would always ride his bike. One day a priest noticed that the Rabbi wasn’t on his bike. So the priest stopped him and asked, “Where’s your bike? You are always riding it.” The Rabbi said, “I had it yesterday and I think someone stole it.” The priest said, “The next time you preach say the 10 commandments. Then when you get on I shall not steal the robber is bound to come out.” So a…

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Sisters of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY -HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying:…

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Doctor’s Visit

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor pulled the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. He will surely die if you don’t do the following: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.…

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Pearls of Wisdom

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Stupidity got us into this mess — why can’t it get us out? Even if you are on the…

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Japanese Food

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he’s in luck, there’s a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the…

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Thanksgiving Quotes that Sound Dirty but Aren’t

Talk about huge breasts! Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist! It’s Cool Whip time. If I don’t undo my pants I’ll burst. Whew, that’s a terrific spread I’m in the mood for a little dark meat. Are you ready for seconds yet? It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it? Just wait your turn, you’ll get some. Don’t play with your meat. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in. Do you think you’ll…

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my son

Four work buddies were out golfing at the 11th hole one of them says, “Play on … I have to go to the bathroom”, so they play on and get to talking about their sons. The first guy says, “I am really proud of my son. He is doing so well, he bought his friend a new car.” The second man boasts, “My son is doing so well that he just bought his friend a 24′ boat.” The third guy…

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You might be a computer geek if…

You Might Be a Computer Geek If… You may have heard of Jeff Foxworthy’s humorous dialogue about rednecks, well, this is a twist on his style of humor. You might be a computer geek, by Jeff Foxqwerty. You might be a computer geek: 1 If you have 20/20 vision, and still can’t C… 2 If You buy a car and ask what version it is instead of model… 3 If the biggest purchase of your life happens at least once…

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Here’s looking at you

An extremely well endowed receptionist was primly seated at the front desk of a leading provider of Internet services and help. As was the policy of the Company – there were no dress codes allowed. Knowing that she might be able to attract a future husband in this well situated position and knowing that she would not be chastised for her appearance, she elected to wear a rather low cut blouse when she was at work. One day a very…

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Weight-loss Program

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. “Guaranteed like heck,” he thinks to himself, “But let’s see what they think they can do.” He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he…

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