One man Jokes - page 139

Flat on his ASS

One day, Little Johnny’s mother sent him to the store to pick up a few things. On his way home, he saw a man fall from his balcony on the 3rd floor. As soon as Johnny sees this, he ran home to tell his mother. He ran into his house and said to his mom: “Mom, mom, I just saw this man fall from a balcony on the 3rd floor of an apartment building. He fell FLAT ON HIS ASS.”…

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Analogies

~The following are actual winning analogies in the “worst analogies ever written in a high school essay” contest~ They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers…

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What an Education!

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was something of an idiot at counting money and adding up figures. “Where did you get your finance education?” he asked. “Yale,” replied the lad. “And what’s your name?” asked the manager. “Yim Yohnston,” he replied.

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Irish Humor: potato garden

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn’t know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, “For HEAVENS SAKE, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the GUNS!!!!!” At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn’t find any guns. Confused, the man…

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Seymour in Heaven

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. “Hungry, Seymour?” the Lord asked. “I could eat,” said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka. The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again…

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MEANEST ANIMAL ON EARTH

Three men were arguing which animal was the meanest. The first said, “A lion was meanest with big claws and teeth it could tear a person up in a second.” The second man said, “No, it has to be a rhinocerous with that big horn and thick hide it could tear a house down in a minute.” The third man said, “No, the meanest animal on earth is a crocagator.” The other two said, “What the hell is a crocagator.…

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Urgent Personal Need

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission, he needed to find the restroom in the worst way, so he hurriedly left the auditorium. He searched in vain for one and couldn’t locate any. Finally, he stumbled across a beautiful fountain with foliage, and since nobody was watching, he decided to relieve himself right there. When he made it back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until…

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Successful Marriage

The Rosenthals had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage, and Mr. Rosenthal was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation. “It’s simple,” he said. “Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, when we need new cars, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.” “And you?” “I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if…

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And God Created Women

Adam was getting a little lonely in the Garden of Eden, so God came to him and said that he would make him a partner. Adam, being somewhat skeptical, asked what the partner would do for him. God said that the partner would make him happy when he was sad and raise his spirits when he was down. The partner would clean for him, cook for him, provide him with children, and do many things to make life more fulfilling.…

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