One at a time Jokes - page 50

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Frank phones his wife Angie at ten to five and tells her he’s bringing his boss home for dinner. Angie is furious that she’s had no time to prepare but when Frank and his boss arrive, she has miraculously made a marvelous veal marsala, with pasta, chianti and a spinach salad. She’s even managed to shower, change into a dress, and get their little six-year-old daughter, Stephanie, looking clean and pretty. As they are seated at the dining room table,…

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Do not take what is not yours!!!

This is a true story as told to me by my boss. A woman had just pulled into a mall parking lot and was trying to find a parking spot. She saw another car drive over a cat. Getting out of her car, and feeling sorry for the dead cat, she decided she would get a shopping bag from the nearest store in the mall, to put the dead cat in. Doing so, she then went to find a pay…

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Why Cucumbers are Better than Men

The average cucumber is at least six inches long Cucumbers stay hard for a week A Cucumber won’t tell you that size doesn’t count Cucumbers don’t get too excited A Cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety Cucumbers are easy to pick up You can fondle Cucumbers in the supermarket…and you know how firm it is before you take one home Cucumbers can get away any weekend With a Cucumber you can get a single room…and you won’t have to check…

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morals

One day the teacher is explaining to her class about morals. She tells them about how her grandfather would raise chickens and that each morning, he would go out, gather the eggs, put them into cartons and carry them to the supermarket to sale. One day he ran out of cartons, so he put all his eggs into a basket, put the basket onto the back of his truck, and headed into town. Along the way, he hit a pothole,…

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Preps for the test

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your own home. EXERCISE #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of…

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Tricky Old Lady

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash…

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Brand New Watch

Dave is struggling through the Dallas airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a man stops him and says “Pardon me, do you have the time?” Dave sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to three”, he says. “Thanks, that’s a pretty fancy watch”, says the man. Dave smiles. “Yes, I invented it. Check this out.”, and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone on…

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Soap Opera

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times! ——————- Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are…

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Sick Man

A man phones the office and explains to his boss that he can’t come in to work today because he’s sick. The boss replies, “This is the ninth time this month. Exactly how sick are you?” The man says, “Well, I am in bed with my 12 year old sister!”

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