Omes Jokes - page 42

A very inebriated lady walks into a bar shortly before closing time, sits at the bar and orders, “Barbender, Barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.” The bartender brings her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. “Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy.” Again, the bartender brings her a Martini. By this time, the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She calls, “Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.” Patiently, the bartender comes near her and…

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An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.” Old man says “What you gonna do with that?” Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.” Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening…

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This little girl Susie comes home from school and asks her mom if she can take the dog for a walk. Her mom says “No, Rover is in heat!” Susie asks her mom what that means. “Susie go ask your dad!” She goes out to the garage and asks her father the same question. Her father says, “Give me the dog for a moment.” He pours gas on its butt. Then, he tells Susie, “You can take Rover for a…

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There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when, all of a sudden, this great big dude comes in and — WHACK! — he knocks him off the bar stool and says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.” The little guy thinks, “GEEZ” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again. All of a sudden, –WHACK! — the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, “That was a…

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After the grade-school class comes back inside, the teacher asks Alice, “What did you do at recess?” Alice says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That’s nice,” the teacher says. “If you can go to the blackboard and write ‘sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.” Alice does, and she gets a cookie. Then the teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, “I played in the sandbox with Alice.” The teacher says, “Good. If you can write…

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Max comes home to this wife, Minnie, on Christmas Eve and says, “I left the mall in such a hurry today, I forgot to get two things.” “Like what?” Minnie asks. “For one thing,” Max says, “I forgot to get wrapping paper.” “That’s okay,” Minnie says. “You don’t need to wrap my present.” “Actually,” Max says, “that’s the other thing.”

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