Old time Jokes - page 39

my boss

When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, He is thorough. When I don’t do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn’t do it, He is too busy. When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, That is initiative. When I make a mistake, I’m an idiot. When my boss makes a mistake, He’s only human. When I take a…

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Not-So-Happy Solution

Bubba Wilkes goes in to see Dr. Smith. “Dr. Smith…I’ve got a problem!” exclaimed Bubba. “Just what seems to be the matter, Bubba?” remarked Dr. Smith. “Well, I’ve been having hot flashes on and off for the last 3 weeks and it’s really getting to bother me. Can you check me out to find out what’s wrong?” “No problem, Bubba,” said Dr. Smith. “You know we have one of the best labs in the country next door. We’ll do the…

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Courage

An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on the deck of a ship watching war exercises. The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts, “Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!”. Upon which the American (naturally) challenges him: “Oh yeah?”. The Russian says, “Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck and swim around the ship!” Yuri marches off into the freezing Atlantic without a word and does as he…

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Veteran’s Day

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady…

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Love, Lust, Or Marriage

How do you know if you’re in love, lust, or marriage? LOVE — when your eyes meet across a crowded room LUST — when your tongues meet across a crowded room MARRIAGE — when your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care LOVE — when you argue over how many children to have LUST — when you argue over who gets the wet spot MARRIAGE — when you argue over money LOVE — when you share everything…

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George’s Physical

Seventy year old George went to the doctor for his annual physical check-up. The doctor examined George and did all the routine tests. Everything seemed fine. The doctor said, “Well George, it looks like all the tests came back normal and you seem to be in good physical shape for a man your age. Now tell me, how are you emotionally and spiritually?” “Doc”, said George, “I am emotionally and spiritually great. In fact, God has really been helping me…

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ACCIDENT

Fred was a tired, overworked traveling salesman who’d been making sales calls all day and hadn’t even stopped for lunch. At about four o’clock he pulled into the crowded parking lot of a large plaza, thinking he could get a bite in the food court. He circled around several times looking for a parking space when he finally spied one close to the entrance. He was carefully backing in when a young guy driving a Porche, who obviously saw Fred,…

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Telemarketing experiences…

As an ex-telemarketer, a couple of incidents happened to me… Let me share them with ya! Me: Hi, may I speak to Mr. Jones? Mr: Speaking. Me: This is Susan calling from Mutual Medical Insurance. Mr: Am I insured with you? Me: No, but we’re calling to offer you a medical plan, which will take care of almost all your medical expences. Mr: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. Me: We’re calling to offer you a medical plan, which will…

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If Men Ruled the World……

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.” Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a timeout. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it. The…

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