Old ass Jokes - page 24

Sisters of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY -HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying:…

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HILLARY’S DRIVER

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it, but couldn’t–the cow was killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar…

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BLIND MAN’S REVENGE

A blind man was standing on a corner waiting for the traffic signal to change so he could cross the street. A stray dog comes walking up to him, hoisted his leg and urinates on the blind man’s pant leg. The blind man then reaches into a paper sack and brings out a cookie and holds it down to the dog. Another pedestrian who was watching this says to the blind man, “Good lord, you’re not going to reward that…

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Which Hole?

There were three guys who all died. When they got to heaven, God told them that in order to get into heaven, they had to ask him a question that he could not answer. If he could answer it, he would go to Hell. So the first guy, a doctor asked him what is the drug used to finish coronary bypass surgery? God gets the question right and the doctor goes to Hell. The next guy, a computer programmer, asks…

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Too Many Ants

There are many more ants than humans in the world, and they belong to numerous different species. Some of the more common are: 1. The ants you find in your kitchen the morning after you leave something sweet or greasy on the counter. These are called Brown Ants or Sugar Ants. 2. Big red and black ants found outdoors in the Southwest. These are very aggressive ants, with large pincers. They are called Fire Ants. 3. In South America you…

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Jew or Jewish

One day a teacher asked her class to think of a sentence that had either the word Jew or Jewish in it. One little girl raised her hand and after being called upon replied “Hannukah is a Jewish holiday.” The teacher was pleased with the response and said, “Yes, that’s very good.” A little boy in the corner raised his hand and announced “Jesus was a Jew.” The teacher was pleased with the response and said, “Yes, that’s very good.”…

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Golf

A lady and a friend were playing golf at a resort. The lady hits her golfball and a little while after hears a scream. She runs towards the scream and finds a man lying on the floor, holding his crutch. The woman exclaims, “oh my, I’m so sorry, please, i am a physiotherapist, let me massage it and it will feel better.” The man replies that it is fine. The women insists and sticks her hands down his pants and…

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Waiting at the Pearly Gates

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter reviews the Big Book to see if the man?s name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, ?I?m sorry, I don?t see your name written in the Big Book.? ?How current is your copy?? asks the man. ?I get a download every ten minutes,? St. Peter replies, ?Why do you ask?? ?I?m embarrassed to admit it, but…

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The Last Laugh

An Irishman is driving down a quiet country road when a policeman drives up behind him and pulls him over. “Excuse me sir,” the copper says, “I don’t believe that this is your car.” “I can assure you it is,” Paddy replies. But the PC still doesn’t believe poor old Paddy, so he gets him out of the car and onto the road. The policeman then proceeds to draw a circle around the Irishman and returns to the car. “I’m…

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The Bronze Rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take…

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