No men Jokes - page 119

Bill’s Rash

While undressing for bed one night, good ole Bill notices something like a red rash around his you know what. Alarmed, he thinks, “I can’t let Hillary see this!” He makes an appointment to see his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day. “Doc,” he says, “I’ve got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?” The doctor says, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what it is, but…

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Cold Prevention

Miss Annie was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all…

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Two Widows Talking

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking: Sadie: “That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before an answer I give him.” Yetta: “Vell,…I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment, punctual like a clock. And like such a mench, he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then…

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Private Cox

Washington and his men had just finished a big battle and were tired and wounded. They were walking for miles looking for a place to stay when they came upon this very small broken down shack. Washington asked the the man who answered the door if he had room to help some of his men as they were tired and sick. The man said, “As you can see, I only have room for one man.” So Washington picked out his…

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Getting Divorced for the Kids’ Sake

Morris calls his son in New York and says, “Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don’t want to discuss it. I’m merely telling you because you’re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I’ve made up my mind, I’m divorcing Mama.” The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. “I don’t want to get into it. My mind is made up.” “But Dad, you just can’t decide to divorce…

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red light, green light

Two men were riding in a car when the driver of the car ran a red light. The passenger, scared of getting pulled over — or worse — warned the driver, “You’d better be careful, you’ll get a ticket!” The driver replied, “It’s okay, my brother does it all of the time.” A little further up the road the driver ran yet another red light and treated it with the same regard as the first. Before the passenger could say…

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Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to inclement weather she decided to top at a nice hotel for the night. She approached the front desk and requested a room. “Certainly, Madam”, the clerk replied. “Is the coffee shop still open?” she asked. “No, Madam, I’m sorry,” he replied, “but room service is available all night. Would you care to select dinner from this menu?” Mary graciously scanned the menu. “Yes, I think the cauliflower with cheese would be fine,…

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An illuminating Experience

A woman was on her way to her annual OB/GYN appt. She was running late, but wanted to freshen up a bit first, so she stopped by her daughter’s place instead of her own since it was closer. She ran into the bathroom, and ran through the customary touch-ups, and finished off with a little feminine deodorant spray. You know…for freshness. Anyway, her examination was pretty unremarkable with the exception of an odd comment the Dr. made at the beginning…

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a new job……

Sam got a new job in an all-night, all-purpose superstore. He was there about an hour when a man walked in. “Hello,” said the man. “Hello, what can I get you?” said Sam. “I’d like a packet of nails please.” Sam got the nails, gave them to the man and said, “That’ll be one ninety-nine please”. The man paid the money and left. The Store Manager came quickly over, and hissed at sam. “What were you doing?” “What?” said our…

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It’s A Bad Day When…

You receive a $300 bill from your tree surgeon and you live in an apartment. The plumber tells you it would be cheaper to install a diving board than to drain the cellar. You bear a striking resemblance to this week’s prime suspect on America’s Most Wanted. The Dialing for Dollars host quizzes you about the only John Wayne film you haven’t seen. Your heart medication has been replaced with sugar pills and a note that says “April fools!” You…

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