New friend Jokes - page 17

6 pack

A construction worker fell to his death from a 12 story building. Two of his co workers were debating over who would tell the guy’s wife.John, a third co worker, volunteered his services, because he said he was really good at giving bad news. The two other workers saw John returning with a 6 pack from their dead friends house. the first worker asked John if he told the wife of the dead worker, he replied “yes, of course”, and…

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Housewarming Gift

When we moved into our new home, the first one we owned rather than rented, one of my husband’s friends gave him a bottle of champagne. In the hustle and bustle of getting settled, the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten. Three months later, we held a Christening party for our third child. Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, we remembered our housewarming gifts. In front of our guests, I open the attached card and read it aloud,…

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Tech Support

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight10.3, Bar Night 2.5, Weekend Golf 6.1 and Football 5.0 no…

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Disgusting Records

Share your knowledge of these “world records” with your friends, relatives and associates during dinner: MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July, 1991. LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina. MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina. (This isn’t all…

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Jewish and Italian boys

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy’s father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other’s present better, and so they trade. That night, when the Italian boy…

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Her Alibi

Debbie wasn’t home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend’s phone numbers, her Mother fired up Debbie’s computer and saw a list of e-mail addresses. She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was. Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies, all saying that she wasn’t to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at HER house and was sorry she had neglected to telephone.

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Proposal Agreement

I, the undersigned, a male proposing marriage agree that? Section 1. In the likely event of my not giving you an orgasm, will keep on going, despite my lack of stamina and size until you have been satisfied. Section 1.01. I?ll behave myself in a mature manner and fight the temptation to scream ?Who?s your daddy? and grunt like a sea lion. Section 1.02. I will never complain about too much foreplay. Section 2. I fully understand that a man?s…

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What Stopped Him?

A widow, recently married to a widower, was talking with an old friend who laughingly remarked: “I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your new husband sometimes talks about his first wife.” “Oh, not anymore, he doesn’t,” the other replied. “What stopped him?” “I started talking about my next husband.”

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Dear God,

Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,why don’t you just keep the ones you have now? Jane Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed…

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