Mother mother Jokes - page 37

The Occupational Explanation

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?” Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.” “That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?” Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.” “Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?” Billy proudly stood up & announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”…

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rob bank

There was a man that was going to rob his first bank in his life but he was nervous about doing it. So the next day he went downtown and walked into the bank and said, “Freeze, mother sticker, this is a fuck up!”

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Pictures mailed home

A man at a nudist camp got a letter from his mother asking for a picture. Since the only pictures he had were taken in the nude, he cut one in half and mailed her the part showing him only from the waist up. His mom wrote back after receiving the photograph and said, “Thanks for the picture. Can your grandma have one too?” The guy thought, “Since grandma can’t see well, I’ll just give her the bottom half,” and…

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What Men Really Mean

“I’m going fishing.” Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.” “Let’s take your car.” Really means…. “Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.” “Woman driver.” Really means…. “Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.” “I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”…

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Strudel

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: “I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother’s strudel.” “No, Grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother…

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A dialogue between God and Moses

God: And remember Moshe, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk. It is cruel, Moshe (Moses): Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together. G: No, what I’m saying is, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk. M: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our…

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Tech Support for Wives

Dear Tech Support: Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SundayFootball…

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A Few Random Thoughts

If foreign films are so good, how come they don’t make them in this country? Definition of an optimist: an accordian player with a beeper. Old age is when you tell a friend you’re having an affair and he says, “That’s wonderful! Who’s the caterer?” Part of the trouble with doing nothing in life is that you never know when you’re through. Tractor pulls were invented so professional wrestling fans would have someone to look down on. Opieology: a religion…

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Five Short Ones About Kids

My grandson was telling me that he and his three playmates attended different churches. Then he added, “It really doesn’t matter if we go to different churches, does it, Grandma, as long as we’re all Republicans?” A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, “No, I’m the lonely child.” My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally…

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A Day with Jesus

Pushing his way to the front of the crowd, Jesus waved his arms if front of the mad throng. When they had quieted, he helped up a woman whom they had been pelting with stones. “This is wrong! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Suddenly a rock came flying from the midst of the mob, and caught the woman square in the forehead. Looking across the sea of faces, Jesus swore, “Dammit! Is that you, Mother?”

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