Mom Jokes - page 40

Heavenly Parts!!!

The teacher of a third grade class was having a discussion about what body parts go to heaven first. She asked her students which they thought and Sarah, Jake and Little Jonny in the back raised their hands. The teacher thought to herself that she better not ask Jonny because he would just say something perverted. So she asked Sarah. Sarah: “The head because you have to be smart to get into heaven.” Then the teacher asked Jake. Jake: “Your…

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Dog in Heat

This little girl Susie comes home from school and asks her mom if she can take the dog for a walk. Her mom says “No, Rover is in heat!” Susie asks her mom what that means. “Susie go ask your dad!” She goes out to the garage and asks her father the same question. Her father says, “Give me the dog for a moment.” He pours gas on its butt. Then, he tells Susie, “You can take Rover for a…

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Little Johnny & the hat

Little Johnny woke up one morning with the shits, so he asked his his mom if he could stay home. She told him he could stay home from school, but only if he went to the store to get some medicine first. Johnny asked her what would he do if he had to shit on the way there, or on the way back home. She gave him a hat and told him to go in it if he couldn’t wait.…

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Thanksgiving Day Recipe

Hoow To Cook A Turkey Step 1: Go buy a turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5:Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 6: Take three more whiskeys of drink Step 7: Turn oven the on Step 8: Take four whisks of drinkey Step 9: Turk the bastey Step 10: Whiskey another bottle get Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer…

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Johnny’s Tantrum

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by Little Johnny, who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, Little Johnny continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the…

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The Last Laugh

A successful businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket; if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver…

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Polar Bears

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, “Mom, am I a real polar bear?” “Of course you are,” his mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father, “Dad, am I a real polar bear?” “Yes, you are a real polar bear,” replied his father. A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, “Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?” “Yes,” said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear…

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How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men…

How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men… He does not have a beer gut… He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. He is not quiet… He is a Conversational Minimalist. He is not stupid… He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development. He does not get lost all the time… He discovers Alternative Destinations. He is not balding… He is in Follicle Regression. He is not a cradle robber… He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships. He does not get falling-down…

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CEO Defined

Our dinner-table discussion one evening focused on homework assignments, specifically our ten-year-old’s lesson on acronyms. I asked him if he knew what “CEO” stood for. He didn’t, so I explained that it meant “Chief Executive Officer.” “That definitely must be what Dad is,” our son commented. My husband was beaming with pride, but felt the need to be truthful. “No,” he said, “I’m not Chief Executive Officer.” Our son replied, “Oh! I thought Mom said, “CHEAP Executive Officer.”

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Birthday Boy

The son of a farmer had just turned 18, and for his birthday, the farmer gave him some cash and said, “Now son, I want you to go to the city and have yourself some fun.” The son gladly took the money and took off to the city. After a few hours he returned very happy. Noticing this, the farmer asked, “How was it, son? Did you get some?” The son replied, “Yeah dad, look at all the things I…

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